Runaway Mannequin

It was a strange thing. I came home yesterday just like any other day, but something was amiss. I didn't catch it at first, and went about the immediate business at hand in the kitchen. Afterward, I grabbed a beer and headed up the stairs to check my email.

I stopped dead in my tracks.

Mona had run away! My beautiful (although rather oddly skinned), quiet guard of my foyer had disappeared. I couldn't believe it--And after I had given her some of the best years of her life. Yes, she was gone. And that wasn't all--She was apparently feeling a little overheated and left with no pants on! Here is the scene that greeted my eye:



Yes, as if to rub my nose in it, she had just peeled em down and stepped out:



Okay, the truth is that Suzie stole her. Why? Well, let's just say that people that are coming to our wedding that have never been to Suzie's house might need someone to, uh, help point the way...

'Nuff said...

Stoners in the News

Have you noticed that every person they bust over anything drug related looks the part? They look like they're the one of the most brain-dead people on the face of the earth.

Do you think they're actually genetically engineered at birth to look stoned? It's possible that kindergarten teachers know before anyone else that they haven't got a chance in life. I can see them now, clicking their tongue and shaking their heads at the poor kids that have "loser" written all over them.

It's possible that only the finest stoned-looking people make the cut. Perhaps only the people that have genuine human loser interest in their mug shots are published. Maybe it's all up to the AP news or the papers to see which ones make the losers' greatest hits.

Maybe they all go to Stoner's Hair Salon?

Here's today's winner--Arrested for putting his girlfriends cat into a homemade box/bong contraption:

"I know for sure this isn't the first time someone has done this," he said. "I'm just the first one to get caught." He said he put the cat in the bong a total of three times and it seemed to calm the cat.

You think?

"Every time we took her out she would pretty much just lay down and proceed to clean herself and act like a stoned person," he said.

Well, thanks for being newsworthy dude... Someone had to do it...

Oh, Come On... Chuckle At Least...

You have to admit--A sense of humor is a good thing. Things don't always go just the way you want to, and a sense of humor can help you "switch gears" for a second or two.

Okay, it's time to collectively say to yourself: "Man, that Rick is messed up..." Why? 'Cause I thought this was funny:


Yeah, everyone like funny stuff, but I really appreciate the unusual things. This cartoon is a good example.

Sorry... But I like to chuckle. Sue me.

What a Strange Thing

I woke up this morning and glanced over at my clock: 3:15. Good, not time to get up yet. The next thing I know I wake up and look over at it and it says 3:52.

Oh shit, I forgot to set my alarm!

I got up and started furiously bustling around, doing all my usual Monday morning stuff. I got the garbage all ready to go out, made my sandwich, and even got a crock pot ready to go with pork roast in it. I'm sitting up here at 4:30, drinking my coffee and reading the online news. Hmm... That's funny--There's nothing about a Super Bowl winner.

Then it hit me. I waved my mouse pointer over the date at the bottom right of my screen. Sunday!

Boy do I feel like a boob! But even better than that: I felt like sharing my humility with the fine readers of my blog. How's that?

Suzie and I had a fantastic day yesterday. Everything we did seemed to "click" for us. I usually get up before she does, and after I finished my coffee I decided it was shower time. I had just turned on the water and stepped in when I heard a slight creak sound. I turned and was pleasantly surprised to find her in the shower with me. Good thing I'm not jumpy or I would have probably screamed--She was that stealthy!

We did some junkyard visiting to start with. It is a rare woman that would even consider going to a junkyard for any reason, but yet Suzie enjoys it. She's always on the lookout for good stuff just like I am. While I didn't get exactly what I wanted, I did score something for my truck (pocket item) that wasn't really on my shopping list: I got a new Chevy bowtie emblem for the grille. The original was missing off the truck when I got it. She bought a new side mirror for her Camry. That was a good deal at $25--It was like brand new. The yard where we found that item was a recent addition to our "junkyard area" of town, having only been there a short time. While it didn't impress me with their selection of trucks, it did impress me with their selection of everything else. They have a lot to pick from and the guys at the counter were very pleasant to deal with. Most of the time the guys working those places are a surly lot--Assuming everyone in the world is out to get them apparently, or maybe pissed off at the world that they have to work at such a place. I dunno. This place wasn't like that.

After some installation of our newly acquired parts back at my house, we did a little house cleanup and headed up to her place. There was a hot tub part that I had to install. Luckily, it also fell into the way the rest of the day had been going: It installed without a hitch. Will it solve her hot tub problem of intermittent operation? Only time will tell, but we're trying to be optimistic.

We finished out the day with a visit to the sports bar up the street from her house where we both ended up pleasantly stuffed with good burgers and beer.

Now that I've had one cuppa coffee, I wonder if I can go back to sleep? Prolly not. I have to look at the bright side: At least I didn't drive to work...

Pattern Addiction

I did a bad thing a few weeks ago. I got hold of a new game.

Actually, it's not a new game, but a new version of a game that has already been out for a while. The games are called Bejeweled. I had the first game of the series, simply called Bejeweled, way back when and was amazed at the graphics. Then not long after that Bejeweled 2 came out. It was so good that I deleted the first Bejeweled and completely removed it from my list of installable software. I basically threw it away. There was simply no reason to ever go back. Recently I upgraded my computer with a new hard drive and went to reinstall everything. That's when I found there was a new Bejeweled out. This one is called Bejeweled Twist. It's a lot like Bejeweled 2, but with a lot of differences. It does, however, have one major difference:

It's addictive.

I mean highly addictive. It takes hold of your brain. You start recognizing the patterns in the game before they happen, learning to anticipate what single action will potentially line up the pieces for the most impressive cascade of colorful explosions.

I feel bad that I've hooked Suzie on it. Now it has a firm grasp on her life as well. To make matters worse, she's hooked her youngest son on it. It's gotten to the point that when we see something in the real world that is lined up a certain way we notice it.

"You know," I said to Suzie, thoughtfully gazing at the icons on my laptop screen the other night, "If we rotated these two like this..." holding my hand up and twisting it in midair "...They would line up for a Flame Bonus." We both laughed... Nervously realizing that we may possibly need help.

Yesterday morning when she awoke, I was playing it yet again. I stopped (just for a second) and turned to her.
"Good morning." I said. She grunted acknowledgment.
"You were talking in your sleep last night." I told her.
"I was?"
"Yeah, you said 'Bomb disarmed' (a comment from the game)."
"Huh uh..." she said, not believing it for a minute.

Well, think that's enough of this blogging crap for now--I've got a game to play and I'm starting to get the shakes...

The Bob Effect

"That should help him."
I was walking by the packaging area I used to work in and Bruce was there, stacking and organizing some boxes neatly with their appropriate paperwork underneath--Boxes that were destined for Boeing.
"Who? What?" I asked, stopping.
"Bob. This should help him get it right." he said, motioning to his pile of boxes.
I laughed and thought about it for a moment. We were always commenting on things Bob had done wrong or strangely on any given day. Then I had an epiphany.
"Yeah, anything you can do to minimize the Bob Effect is surely a good thing," I said, suddenly proud of the sound of the new term I had just created. I could tell Bruce liked it too. It sounded like something sinister--Something from a sci-fi movie.
"The Bob Effect." he repeated, tasting the words as they rolled off his tongue.

Bob is about my age and he's working the same packaging area I used to work when I was first hired on, and is also doing most of the driving just as I did. I don't think he used to be quite as scatterbrained as he is now, but he's had some interesting screwups. We used to call them "Bob-ism's" and still do occasionally. When we would hear about something he did or didn't do, we'd just shake our head and mutter.

One time when he was still relatively new he was up north somewhere doing a delivery or pickup of some kind. Word had gotten around that the company was going to be looking for a "new" van to replace the aging relic that we had to deal with. Bob actually stopped at a dealership in Kirkland and talked with a salesman! He came back with literature and everything and told Bruce about it. Bruce, of course, was flabberghasted. If Bernie LaCroix would have ever found out that he did that on company time he would have been gone I'm sure. That was the first real slip. A Pink Floyd album comes to mind: A Momentary Lapse of Reason. Little did we know all the things the future would bring.

Bob is a classic. One time he was gone a couple hours. The time went by with Bruce wandering by every now and then.
"Bob come back yet?" he asked.
"Nope, nothing yet." I said, and we both shook our heads.
When he finally showed up, Bruce asked him where he had been.
"I went to PM Testing." he said, in a matter-of-fact way. PM Testing is one of the companies that does finish work like painting and such for us. They are located in Fife, which is about a half hour each way if there is no traffic (there is always traffic).
"Who told you to go to PM Testing?" Bruce asked in disbelief.
I don't remember his exact response. Basically, nobody told him to go. He just went. On his own.

Hellooo... Earth to Bob... Do you read?

Bob would constantly deliver the wrong thing to the wrong place and have to go back and correct things. I'm sure he cost the company money on more than one occasion--Making a delivery late for whatever reason. He routinely takes twice as long as I do (or most anyone ever has) to make deliveries and pickups.

We have determined that he must be working for free.

The most common instance of the Bob Effect is when he departs when Bruce wasn't ready for him to leave yet.
"Where's Bob?" Bruce would ask, coming out of the office.
"He just left."
"Bob! Jeezus... I haven't even given him everything yet." he'd say with exasperation. We'd both exchange a look of helplessness and shake our heads.

Another often repeated scenario was when he left and didn't take the product with him. I told Bruce if he didn't actually have sailboat fuel for brains I'd think he planned it that way so he could make two trips to kill more time. But we determined that he really had no clue.

Other instances of the Bob Effect come in-house. When he packages something and writes on the box, we can no longer assume that what's written is inside the box. If he writes the weight on a box and gives it to me to send UPS, I re-weigh it when he's not looking.

We constantly make jokes about him, but you know what? We like him. He's our own Jester. He's the one thing we need to keep our mundane day interesting.
"Where's Bob?" Bruce will ask.
"Probably at Ernie's Truck Stop," I'd say, "perusing the greasy goodness behind the glass in their deli case."

The Bob Effect. You'd better hope it doesn't spread.

More Police Weirdness!

Yes, Auburn's Police Blotter strikes again. Here are a few of the choice excerpts from recent history:

Police blotter

Aug. 12

Cruising under the influence: 9:04 a.m., 1500 West Valley Highway N. Police arrested a male person for driving under the influence after he fell asleep at the wheel while waiting for congested traffic in a construction zone.

Assault: 10:55 a.m., 1300 block of 69th Street Southeast. A female called to report that a girl had assaulted her in some undisclosed way at Sunset Park.

Aug. 11

Unhand those shorts dude: 12:25 p.m., 900 block of M Street Southeast. On a hot summer day in an apartment on the south end of the city, two men came to blows over a pair of basketball shorts. One guy winged a metal chair at the other guy, hitting him in the forehead. Before being separated, each combatant landed hostile blows on the other, opening up a cut on one head that demanded subsequent care at a local hospital. The prosecutor’s office charged both men with fighting in public.

Shoplifting: 10:30 p.m., 2115 Auburn Way S. Police arrested a woman for shoplifting an undisclosed something or other from the Muckleshoot Smoke Shop.

Trash talk on a Dumpster: 11:32 p.m., 600 Oravetz Road S.E. Somebody spray-painted a Dumpster, thereby vandalizing said Dumpster.

Aug. 6

Shoplifting: 9:10 p.m., 1702 Auburn Way N. A young man stole two Tilt alcohol beverages from the Top Foods, earning himself an arrest for shoplifting and for being in possession of a fermented beverage before he had accumulated enough years in his life to make that legal.

Lewd dude: 5:30 a.m., 4200 block of A Street Southeast. Somebody drew lewd pictures on three different vehicle windshields in grease paint. Nothing permanent, however.

Aug. 5

Forgery: 5:37 p.m., 1500 block of Auburn Way North. Police arrested a man cashing a check with a stolen account number on it. Although the guy said he had received the check in the mail, he still couldn’t explain to the satisfaction of suspicious officers why somebody should have sent to him a check for that amount.

Aug. 4

Egg boy: 10:30 p.m., 1300 block of E Street Southeast. Police arrested a boy for malicious mischief in the third degree after a night spent egging.

Plant breaker: 10:38 p.m., 500 block of 21st Street Southeast. A woman told police that her adult daughter had broken several potted plants. She declined to press charges.

Explosive device: 11:58 p.m., 1100 block of 17th Street Southeast. Police arrested a man after a traffic stop for driving with a suspended license. Police took the passenger into custody after finding a home-made bong at his feet inside the vehicle. In a search of the vehicle incident to arrest, officers found a high-powered explosive device underneath the passenger seat. Both males knew about the explosive device but neither would cop to owning it.

Assault: 6:05 p.m., 31200 block of 124th Avenue Southeast. A woman reported she was in an argument with her husband, said she slapped him and he returned the compliment.

Isn't it great to live in the USA?

The Story of a Lost Ham

Okay, some of you may be grossed out.

Let's rewind a few months--Back to another time. Back to a time that was December 21st, 2007. Some of you may recall that it was the last day of work before Christmas vacation. It was the day that me and my coworkers spent speculating as to what amazing thing that the Brothers LaCroix would bestow on their minions for sticking with them and doing their job. The thing they called the Christmas "bonus".

We got a ham, and it was a real big one. It was a Kirkland brand, from the shelves of Costco. It was a big, spiral-cut, bone-in ham. Because the various family functions of the holidays had feasts and meals going on, I opted to cook mine up at a later date. I figured to wait a while--At least long enough for me to "forget" what a ham feast tastes like. I thought maybe for Easter or something. I wasn't sure at that point.

So there it sat--In my refrigerator--Staring at me from the bottom shelf every time I opened the door. I know what you're thinking: "Whoa! You didn't freeze it?" No, I didn't. I don't like ham that has been frozen. Ham has a high moisture content and when it's frozen it destroys the firmness of the meat. At least that's my reasoning. So, like I said... There it sat. Through winter and into spring. Through spring and into summer.

Suddenly it's August.

I had been assured by my coworker Elaine (a very "meat-knowledgeable" lady) at one point that it was still good. I think that it was back in April or May she said that. She assured me that cured hams are able to last a long time. I still never got around to cooking it. Now it's months later and I still hadn't even unwrapped it.

See, at this point it has been covered. In addition to the vac-pack wrapper that it's packed in, it was also wrapped in a shiny, red foil-looking material, and that in turn was covered by the plastic netting that all large hams seem to have. Because of these things I was never able to actually look at the meat. For whatever reason, I had decided this last weekend that enough was enough. I had to know. I purposely chose the weekend because Monday was my garbage day. That way I had an "out" if it suddenly came alive and sprang for my throat when I opened it.

Saturday I took the ham out of the fridge. It was the first time it had moved since sometime during the Christmas vacation when I had removed it to weigh it (I wanted to see just how much "bonus" they had given us) before putting it back. It was a weird feeling picking that ham up, knowing that it hadn't been touched for (gasp!) over seven months. I had actually touched it from time to time just to make sure it still felt as it should (you know, the "bloat"), but had never moved it. I put it on the counter and cut the net off it. I was sort of afraid to take the shiny, red wrapper off it. Although it was still nice and firm to the touch, I was afraid to see what it actually looked like (I don't like incorrect colors on meat). I cut the wrapper off.

It was perfect! It looked like a new ham--I was amazed.

Yes, I cooked it. I put in in the oven and baked it for 2 hours (like I said, it was a big ham) to bring it up to the right internal temperature per the instructions on the label. Suzie came over and we feasted on an antique pig. I'll tell you--That was some kinda great-tasting ham. After I took it out of the oven and cut it off the bone I was surprised at how much meat I had in front of me. I had to scrounge the biggest container I had just to hold it all. The bone and some of the meat went into the freezer for winter soup. Now the ham is back home in the same place in the fridge that it occupied for months.

Let that be a lesson to you. Cured hams last a long time.

So where's the gross-out in the story? Some of you will undoubtedly think that I should have my head examined for eating something that old. Others may think it's no big deal.

I just figured I know how to make my Christmas bonus last.

The Highlight of Your Day

This cartoon yesterday kinda hit home. I don't know how many times I've felt this way, but there have been many I'm sure (click it to see it full size):

Fortunately my girlfriend works where I work so I have a little more incentive to proceed past my coffee cup these days.

Costumed Dogs and Kamikaze Flies?

Suz said a lot of the office people were going into work very early on Friday and mentioned the possibility of us going to work on the Harley, which I thought would be cool of course. I got all set to go and had the bike warming up, but still no Suzie. After calling her to confirm I wasn't going to "just miss" her, I continued on to work. When I got home in the afternoon I called a person that had replied to an ad I had on Craigslist for my old car magazines. He and Suzie showed up at the same time. It was nice to get rid of them and of course also nice to get $50 for them. We decided to unwind from our work week by lying in the sun out back with a few beers.

It was then I noticed the Kamikaze fly.

I don't know if he was flying at supersonic speed and couldn't stop, or had bad vision and just thought he could make it, high on poop fumes or what, but he apparently tried to go through my screen at some time in the recent past. When we found him there with only his head stuck through the screen, there was no telling how long he had been there. Maybe he was just trying to show off for his friends.
"Hey guys, watch this!"
I had a lot of fun trying to capture him with my camera. Do you know how hard it is to take a picture that small?

Saturday morning Suzie and I picked Sarah up and went to Auburn's First Annual Petpalooza animal show. We were going for picture-taking, but it ended up being great fun. The weather was "iffy" but it only rained slightly--Not enough to cause problems. Although there were many types of animals there, it was mostly dogs. There were dogs of all shapes and sizes.

There were big dogs, teeny dogs, ugly dogs, spoiled dogs--You name it. There were tons of them wearing all sorts of odd costumes (I don't know what that says about their owners). There were a lot of dogs doing frisbee catching acrobatics too, and we spent quite a while trying to capture good shots of those. Some of those dogs were amazing! One of my favorite things (as well as Sarah's) were the outfits that were adopting Greyhounds out. They were former racing dogs, and I can honestly say I have never met a dog with a sweeter temperament. They were the most loving dogs I've ever seen. We all loved them!

Suzie and I both took tons of pictures while we were there, and we put many of them on our picture site. Click the link over on the right and check em out!

Blog Fodder?

Friday night Suzie and I were just getting ready for bed when she remembered she was supposed to check on her son's kittycat to make sure she was indoors while they were out of town camping.
"Oh shoot, I forgot to check on Denny's cat. I'd better run up and do that," she said with a sigh.
She was in her jammies and brushing her teeth when she had that amazing revelation. I was wearing even less than that, but was equally ready for bed. Being the nice guy, but I offered to go with her, so I put some jammie bottoms and some kind of shirt for a jacket and away we went. Just outta town we were stopped by a slow, lumbering freight train.
"Aren't we just something else," Suzie said, "Sitting here in a car at 10:30 on a Friday night in our jammies, watching a train while on our way to check on someone's cat."
"At least we've got blog fodder." I said.
Well, the cat was already indoors, and because Suz went and checked she was able to sleep without worrying.

Speaking of blog fodder, how about this cartoon? It's getting to be a sign of the times:


Okay, let me back up a bit. As soon as I got home from work on Friday I ordered a pizza for us to be ready an hour later. I had just gotten back home and was washing dishes when Suzie showed up. We sat around talking for a bit and I told her we couldn't cook the pizza yet because I was waiting for a phone call from a guy that had a bicycle for sale up on the hill here in Auburn. We had already communicated and he said he'd call when he got home after 6pm. Well, he did call and we zoomed up to check it out. It was beautiful! I ended up buying her a nice (hardly used) Diamondback Topanga mountain bike for $50. It was a steal and way better of a bike than I have. We were feeling pretty good when we came back home with it and went into pizza mode!

Yesterday was beautiful when we got up. The sun was out and it was so nice and warm! We were planning on going to a park here in town for an event they call "PetPalooza" to wander around and possibly take pictures, but it turned out that it was next weekend instead. Now we had 2 choices: Harley or mountain bikes? Well, we opted for black leather and asphalt, and we decided to take a trip over the mountains to see if we could find out where all her offspring were camped.

It was a fantastic ride out. When we stopped at the top of Snoqualmie Pass to pee it was in the upper 60's and sunny! We stopped for a quick lunch in Cle Elum before hooking up with them. They were camped at a beautiful spot about 15 miles farther south. We hung out with them for a couple hours, taking pictures of everything around us, then we headed out to come back home. When we headed over the pass to the Eastern side of Washington the clouds got a little thicker. It's usually the exact opposite. Anyway, the longer we stayed there the more cloudy it was getting, so we decided we should head out. I'm glad we did. All we got hit with was some drizzle once or twice for a few seconds. Because it was such an open area we were riding in we could see the areas of rain--The kind of areas where the clouds are streaking towards the ground--And they were all around us. It was awesome to be able to see all around us like that, but I'm glad we missed all the rain. The closer we got to home the nicer the weather got. You've gotta love that! By the time we got home at about 9pm and about 200 miles later, we were exhausted. Riding at 70+ for that long takes a lot out of you. Seats, wind, noise, temperature, vibration--It all takes its toll.

It was a fantastic day!

A Milestone

It occurred to me yesterday at work that I passed a milestone Monday evening without realizing it. The act I performed was not itself a significant thing, but rather the fact that I have never done it. You'd think that by this time in my life I had done most things, right? I will be 52 soon and I sat at work and wondered how I had managed to slide through life without ever being exposed to the opportunity.

Monday, for the first time in my life, I drove a riding lawnmower.

Yes, my life is somehow more complete now. A thing I can add to my long list of accomplishments on this earth. I have driven practically everything there is to drive that is powered by an engine, and even things without. Trucks and cars of all sizes, backhoe, grader, ambulance, cop car, school bus, motorcycles of all shapes and sizes... The list goes on and on.

Thanks Suzie, for letting me mow your lawn and thereby allowing me the pleasure of putting another "notch" in my lifelong resume' of accomplishments. I'm sure it won't be the last time.

Small Chuckles in a Small Town Paper

You have to admire a small town newspaper. (Okay, it's not really a small town, but the paper is small.) The Auburn Reporter paper comes out a few times a week and is available for free at various places around the area. Although they do have a website, it only contains a few of the top news bits. The real news is in the written version!

One section that's in the paper each time is called Police Blotter. Apparently, the person writing the Police Blotter is an aspiring comedy writer. Or maybe he or she just assumes nobody reads the stuff anyway, so why not dress it up a bit? I picked up the latest issue yesterday when I was at the library and here's a sampling of what I found:

Police blotter

April 12

Theft from vehicle: Overnight, 400 block of 8th Street Southwest. Suspects unknown forced their way into a car and stole unspecified motorcycle racing equipment of equally unspecified value.

Vandalism: 9:13 a.m., 1400 block of 8th Street Northeast. Unknown persons vandalized a person of unspecified gender's vehicle of unspecified make in a way police would just rather keep to themselves.

Assault: 3:25 p.m., 3030 R St. S.E. Police arrested a person described only as male for assaulting in some way a juvenile coincidentally also described only as male.


April 11

Vandalism: 1 p.m., 800 block of R Street Northeast. A male - youth, adult, who knows? - reported that somebody poured a sugar and water mixture into his gas tank about a week ago, doing his car mischief.

Traffic offense: 9:54 p.m., 1406 Lake Tapps Parkway S.E. Police arrested a man for reckless driving after he was observed doing donuts at a high rate of speed in the moderately-packed parking lot of Top Foods. The guy told police he was "just testing out his new modified exhaust system." He was additionally cited for his newly modified exhaust system.


April 8

Shoplifting: 1:45 a.m., 101 Auburn Way S. Police arrested a person for stealing a razor from Safeway after a store security saw him so doing.

Shoplifting: 2:58 p.m., 801 Auburn Way N. Police arrested a juvenile female at Fred Meyer for shoplifting clothing of some undefined type worth an amount we can only guess at.

Doncha just love small town comedy? Even if it's not comedy, you have to appreciate them trying to make it somewhat comedic. I may have to keep a sharp eye out for this sorta stuff.

Workplace Fashion Faux Pas

We've all heard the stories. A big party hosted by the boss... You want to make a good impression and want everything to be perfect. When you and your lovely wife arrive and are greeted at the door by the boss's wife you discover that she and your wife are wearing the exact same dress. Gasp! This is the epitome of a social embarrassment to many women. Men aren't quite as bothered by such things.

Okay, usually.

This week a similar situation happened at work. Here's how I recollect it.

First of all, the hourly folks that work there all show up at 6am. The people that work in the office, however, show up at all kinds of different times. Some are salaried and some are hourly, but their schedules are pretty flexible. Anyway, Scott wandered in as one of the first office employees to arrive. He's a great guy and is always upbeat, and as he took off his coat and hung it on the coat rack behind me he said good morning to me in his usual chipper way. I didn't think much past that at that particular moment.

A little while later, Tenney (I'm not sure if that's short for Tennyson or what) shows up and goes by me into the office.

(Hey, wait a minute... Isn't that the same shirt Scott was wearing?)

It's pretty common for someone to wear "almost" the same shirt, but I was thinking more than "almost" at this particular time. Now I was intrigued. I got up and went into the office and took another look, memorizing his shirt, then I went back out into my area and sat down. Scott was out in another area of the shop and soon wandered by on his way back into the office. It was a dead match. I could hardly contain myself.

"Nobody told me there was a particular uniform we had to wear today," I said, stopping him on the way in.
"Huh?" he said with a puzzled look.
"Are you and Tenney pretty close? Apparently you collaborated on what to wear today... You'd better go have a look," I warned.

He gave me a "don't tell me" look and went into the office. While he was gone a few other folks came and went by my area and of course I had to fan the flames:
"Have you seen Scott and Tenney this morning? You haven't? Go take a look."

After a little while it had spread like wildfire and everyone was joking about it. I have to admit they took it pretty well. I don't think it mattered a whole lot to Tenney, but Scott (and many others) probably didn't really care to be associated with Tenney too much (he doesn't seem to really do anything), let alone having it look like they were twin sons of different mothers (Scott is on the left):


I'm not sure which is more embarrassing really, to find out that

• someone else is wearing your exact shirt
• someone you don't really care for has the same taste in clothes
• you both shopped for them at WalMart.

Judges?

The Art of Acquisition

I used to chastise Teresa for doing some of the things she did, and now I'm doing them.

Way back when, when we were fairly newly married and Sarah was not a part of our lives yet, I was still a delivery driver for The Peterson Company and happened to be working on a Saturday for whatever reason. As I recall, it was a partial workday because I came home at about noon. She probably thought she could have him out of the house before I got home, but I caught them.

No, no... Stop right there! I know what you're thinking and that's exactly what I wanted you to think. Gotcha!

She had some guy there that was demonstrating a vacuum cleaner. I couldn't believe it. I think it was a Kirby but I'm not sure. Anyway, I was miffed. It was Saturday and I came home after work to find some salesman in my living room?! I took her aside to get to the bottom of it.
"What the hell is he doing here?" I asked sternly.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to buy anything," she explained.
"Well then why did you even let him in? You're just wasting his time and ours. I don't want to come home and find a salesman in my house" I said with exasperation.
"Because he's giving away a free bread knife if we listen to his spiel and we don't have one!" she said excitedly.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head in disbelief.
"Okay, but I can't be around during this kind of crap. I'll be back." I said and went back out to my pickup and left.

Yes, she really did do that. The funny part was that the knife really wasn't anything special at all as far as quality. It was just a good bread knife as far as the design went, but the quality of it sucked. It just shows the lengths she went for a hot deal. The funniest part? I own it right now! I remember probably a year or so after the vacuum incident we were at a garage sale and she found another of the same knives and bought it for probably a quarter. When we split up I ended up with the original. Pretty strange.

I have no idea how many of those kinds of things she's done. Most of the time they are just those "no obligation" deals where you're automatically enrolled in some sort of thing if you get the first of a series or whatever. She would get them and the instant they arrived would call and cancel. I have to admit, she got some good deals that way.

One morning a few years back I got up in the morning and turned on the coffee pot and it went "phhttt" and gave up its meager existence right then when I needed it most. Teresa must have been up or maybe I swore loud enough to cause her to get up to see what was wrong. I don't remember that part. What I thought was funny was that she just calmly went down to the basement and came upstairs with a brand spanking new Gevalia coffee maker--Never opened and still in the box.
"What the hell? Do you always rathole appliances?" I asked, both pleased and in minor disbelief.
"It was one of those deals where you spend a few bucks on some of their coffee and they send you a free coffee maker. I just wanted the coffee," she explained. "Aren't you glad I did it?"
I muttered something I'm sure, but I was definitely glad she did it, yes. It was one of those kinds of coffee makers that have a thermos carafe though, and I never really liked that part of it because the second cup of my coffee was always too hot to drink. I had to turn it completely off after it brewed or I'd never be able to drink my second cup in time. It definitely made good coffee though.

Fast-forward to two days ago.

I went online and went to Gevalia and ordered myself two packages of coffee for $15 so I could get a new coffee maker. I am disgusted with the coffee maker I have now because it it the cheapest Procter Silex they make I'm sure, and it doesn't make a good cup of coffee.

You know the funny part of this whole story? The day I moved out she came walking up the basement stairs with it--Brand new in the box--And handed it to me.

"Will this one do?" she asked.

The Limit?

Yes, it could be true... I may have finally found my limit.

Most of you know I ride to work all the time in cold weather. I don't like to park my bike when it's winter, but like it or not it definitely gets limited use. I ride to work pretty much any day that the internet weather reports says it's going to be decent at 2:30pm when I get off work. If you do the math, getting off work at 2:30pm means you start work at 6am. For those of you that don't know anything about the world at 6am because you've never experienced it, it can get damn cold, and it's always dark.

I don't use a windshield when I ride and that seems to enhance the colorful descriptions people have for me. Basically, it's about the fact that I routinely ride to work when the lighted bank signs that we all pass say 29, 30, or 31 degrees. I tell them, "Hey, if I don't ride to work in the morning when it's colder than shit, how the hell am I going to ride home from work in the afternoon when it's nice out? Besides, if I ride my bike I don't have to scrape the ice off the windshield."

Duh.

Even the "bikers" I work with think I'm nuts. Screw em. I get the last laugh when I grin all the way home from work on those sunny "nuts" days...

So back to today. It was a little different today. Each bank I went past said the same thing: 22 degrees.

Actually, I was going to ride to work yesterday too, but neglected to have it's winter trickle charger plugged in during the previous week. Cold weather can really whack a battery, and it refused to turn quite long enough to fire yesterday morning. After being plugged into it's electronic I.V. overnight though, it spun over this morning like it was rarin' to go.

Even though I only have to go about 7 or 8 miles each way it's still a challenge in cold weather.

When I got to work I had to look in my mirror to get my helmet unclasped because I couldn't feel my fingertips, and even then it took a few tries. I had to wait at least a half hour before my nuts finally decided to come back out of hiding, and I don't think my penis has been that small since I was about 8 years old.

But you know what? It's worth it to see the look of awe (I think that's what it was) in my coworkers' eyes.

The bottom line: I grinned all the way home in sunny weather. That makes it all worthwhile.

Yes, I may have finally reached my low temperature limit, but I'm still not sure. It's going to take some more experimentation I guess. I'll let you know.

Hey, it's New Year's Eve!

And here I sit. How pathetic is that?

I thought this cartoon was somewhat fitting...

(If it isn't readable, click it for full size)

I Love Sneezing!

Yep. The last thing you'll ever see me do is stifle a sneeze. The only one reason I would ever do something like that is if I have a mouthful of food or drink. Obviously that would not be pretty...

To me, sneezing is almost like an orgasm. But it's like an orgasm that you can do any place, any time... And people will even bless you for it! At least with a sneeze I can have a multiple of something. I guess I should feel lucky that I usually sneeze in twos. On a rare occasion I may get three or even more. That's like winning the sneeze lottery! My mom said the day I left the hospital after being born I sneezed two times the instant the sunlight hit my face. That still happens.

Sometimes I'll find myself with a little bit of a tickle in my nose and I'll finesse it--Inducing it into a sneeze by using the perfect velocity of breathing to get to the trigger point. For those of you that have ever played in band in school, it's very similar to a reed instrument like a clarinet or saxophone (which I played, but that's strictly coincidence). The air you blow into the mouthpiece makes the reed vibrate and it produces sound. In my case however, the "reed" gives me a nasal orgasm.

Sometimes the split second during a good sneeze may be the best you'll feel all day long!

There can, however, occasionally be a downside to a good sneeze. The obvious one that comes to mind would be those times when you can't quite get to that handkerchief or Kleenex in time. Especially if you're sick.

Another downside of sneezing is simply where the sneeze occurs. What you're doing, or the company you're in at the time of a sneeze can really alter the natural course of events that might have taken place had the sneeze(s) never occurred. You know what I mean... Job interview, first date, gynecologist exam, --The list goes on and on.

The real downside of a sneeze is a sneezed-caused trauma--When you actually hurt yourself in some way. I can remember one time when I sneezed while I was walking and hurt myself. As I recall I had a big sneeze just when I was stepping off a curb, and that resulted in a pulled back/side muscle. I'm serious. I think it hurt me for a few days. The more common sneeze trauma may sound more weird (which pretty much fits me doesn't it?) but really is much more common. That is when your tongue ends up getting a "nip" from your teeth during a good sneeze. I think it's like your tongue kind of ricochets and ends up in the bite zone at just the wrong instant. You have to admit, a sneeze can only be voluntary up to a point, and after that there's no telling what kind of contraction or chain reaction you might set loose. I've heard stories of some people peeing their pants (or even worse) during a good sneeze.

You know one thing that I find awkward about sneezing? The official "blessing of the sneeze" that you're supposed to administer when someone sneezes. I'm not religious at all, so my only choice really is to say gesundheit. What should a person say in that instance? Sometimes I say something like "whoa!" and sometimes I just let it go.

Yep, I really like sneezing.

Ramblings of a Weird Man

Sometimes I wonder about me. It can't all be age-related can it?

Last night I was sitting here right before bed, and I was idly rubbing the top of my head while reading something online. After a few seconds it occurred to me that there was something "different" up there. I went to the bathroom and looked into the mirror, but realized that I couldn't see quite up high enough to see what it was. (Not having someone to confer with is one of the downfalls of living alone.) I browsed around the house for another mirror to double up with and finally managed to see the area in question.

There up on top of my head was what appeared to be a wound about an inch and a half long, with a slight bump to go with it. Not a real fresh one either.

WTF?

Don't you think I would remember banging my head into something? Well I don't. Try as I might, I can not remember hitting my head on anything at all in recent memory. I don't usually get drunk enough to fall down, or worse yet, drunk enough to not remember events that transpire. Does that mean I'm sleep walking? Or worse yet, "clumsy, klutzy, bump-into-shit" sleep walking?

Obviously I did something at some point, so that probably means one of the following things:

• My pain tolerance is so great (aka: tough guy) that I didn't notice whatever it was when it happened.
• My short term memory is so far gone that I immediately forgot it.
• My mind considered it traumatic in some way and automatically blocked it.
• Someone has a voodoo doll of me.

Nobody told me that I would spontaneously start to sprout mysterious wounds when I went past the age of 50...

Maybe it's a secret thing... Like only seniors know? Maybe it will be like the dawn of the dead and crowds of seniors with blank stares will suddenly surround and embrace me, droning, "Welcome, Rick... We've been waiting for you..."

God that's creepy...

So Many Things Look Alien

This has popped into my mind several times over the years. I know it's happened to everyone--When you look at something and it seems so... Weird?

So unusual? So out-of-place? So odd? So alien?

• One of the first things I can remember making this association with was when I was shopping in a grocery store. It happens when you are at the checkout counter and you're watching what the person ahead of you is putting up on the conveyor belt. Look at all of that stuff... Chances are if you're like me you'll look at it and agree--Everything they are buying is so weird! You think to yourself:
  
  "Oh my god, look at that weird shit... I would never eat that."
  "Wow, I don't know what they're going to do with something like that."
  "That is such a shitty tasting brand--I would never buy that."
  
  And it goes on and on. Try it... Next time you're in a grocery store do a casual glance in everyones shopping cart as you pass by. I'll bet there won't hardly be a single thing in their cart that doesn't look alien to you for one reason or another.
  
  

• Another thing that looks alien to me, believe it or not, are people's nails. Yeah I know... I'm weird, but so are everyones fingernails and toenails! No matter how many you look at, they all look so... Different. Size, shape, whatever. They all look alien.
  
  I don't know why I don't feel that way about any other features of a person's body. After all, no two are alike, but for some reason, nails have always caught my eye when they look different than mine.
  
  I'm sure other oddballs like myself feel the same way about my nails as I do about theirs. Especially my right thumbnail. Hell, that one even looks alien to me...
  
  

• Don't even get me started on vehicles. This falls into two categories: Weird that a particular style even sprung from the drawing board to begin with, and weird that someone would actually shell out their money to buy one at the risk of being seen driving it.
  
  Understand, these two things are not always the same either. Some weird vehicles look totally right with the proper variety of oddball inside them. Sometimes the a vehicle looks so alien it would look weird with anyone in it. As far as people go, there are some of them that... Well, no matter what they drive it would be hopeless. They look alien in anything.

You can just go on and on with this sort of topic. Everyone is weird. Everyone is unique. Everyone eats weird shit, does weird shit, owns weird shit, and says weird shit.

Yeah, when you compare us... We are all so... Alien