The New Year's Day Zombie

All day yesterday I spent at home, stumbling around in a daze. I didn't get dressed or go out. No matter what I did, my thoughts kept returning to what I had let slip through my fingers. Everywhere I looked: Signs of Suzie.

Going down the stairs I glanced at over at Mona and she stared blankly at nothing--Wearing a wig that Suz bought for her. On the dining room table is my portable DVD player, bought for our vacation trip to Utah, snugly parked inside a beautiful case of cloth that she made for it. Behind the table, hanging on the back of a chair is the leather motorcycle jacket I bought for her that she refused to take with her. I went out to the garage and there stood her bicycle--Ridden only a few times since it was bought. The new Harley seat I bought for her riding comfort stared at me from the garage floor, my having temporarily removed a couple weeks ago so I could charge the battery...

Even the Bejeweled game that I was so hopelessly smitten by for the last several weeks was failing me. When I was playing it to try distract myself I only succeeded in reminding myself of her all the more because we were always trying to outplay each other.

I wanted to watch a movie but nothing sounded good. I found myself listening to Radio Paradise.com and it helped until I was reminded of how much she loves it and can always name the song that's playing. Every time I walked through the living room my gaze went to the crumpled tissue box on the coffee table. Even in the bathroom--There hangs her bath towel and there stands her toothbrush in the holder next to mine.

This has never happened to me before in this magnitude. Even after being married for 19 years I didn't feel this way when it ended. It had tapered off so slowly over time that it was just like moving and nothing more when it finally ended.

We spent some time last night chatting back and forth online in Gmail, and I found it to be very cathartic. I think it helped both of us a great deal.

I'm sure I'll be okay--After all, time heals wounds. They may always be visible, but they do eventually heal.

Sorry, No Good Thoughts Today...

Why can't I have a trustworthy daughter like they do on TV? I know it's a teenager thing to push the limits of authority, but I guess I just find it hard to believe the shit that kids do. No wait... Let me think back... Never mind... I remember.

Teresa called me a bit ago (I am starting to seriously dread phone calls from her). Her best friend Noelle was up at the tennis courts after school to pick up her son and saw Sarah's (former?) boyfriend driving her car. Okay, maybe he was driving it from one parking lot to the next, I don't know. What am I supposed to think? If he drives it from lot to lot, he damn sure has driven it other times and places. She will never admit such a thing though. I can say with total confidence that if she wrecks her car she will not be getting another one from me, and most likely from her mom either. That is assuming that it's just her. If someone else is involved with driving it, it won't be my insurance that will suffer, it will be hers and her mom's. She needs to understand that, but I doubt she ever will.

To add to that, Teresa said that Sarah's new camera that we bought her for her birthday has spent the majority of it's life in the hands of her (former?) boyfriend. As a matter of fact, it's at his house now and probably has been the whole time since she got it.

I have a hard time with this crap. It would be totally different if I lived there, but obviously I don't. I can talk to Sarah til I'm blue in the face and it seems to just go in one ear and out the other. In the meantime I've got to keep listening to phone calls from Teresa telling me all this. To add to that, I can't totally trust everything Teresa says either. She is notorious for embellishing things. I don't know who to believe and what I should do about it.

While I'm ranting and complaining, it hasn't been all that great of a week for me in other areas either.

I've had a headache pretty much constantly for over two days now. It's not bad, but neither does it ever go completely away. Other people I have talked to at work seem to have similar headaches. Perhaps it's a mutation of a flu bug or something.

My mom called last night and told me that my dad does indeed have cancer in one of his lungs. They are going to be getting two MRI's this week to see if it has spread to anywhere else in his body, which I understand is pretty common for lung cancer to do. The weird thing is that my dad having cancer doesn't really bother me. It's not that I have no feelings toward him, but to be honest, I really am indifferent. We never have really gotten along. I know it sounds terrible for me to say that but it's true. What does bother me about it is the ripple effect that it could cause. My mom losing her husband means a whole lot more to me than me losing my dad. Just based on that fact alone, I hope everything comes out all right.

I get into these moods and it snowballs.

I think about how my internet stops and starts whenever it wants to. I call tech support and it works fine. Sometimes it doesn't. I think about how Craigslist won't let me post linked pictures like they used to. Now I have to be happy with their stupid little bitty pictures or nothing. If I try to use pictures that are bigger and actually exist somewhere else or the posts won't show up.

Now I'm thinking about Suzie going to Hawaii on Friday. It will be lonely all next week without her. Can you tell I love her very much? Jeez. I know we'll be able to communicate while she's there, but it's not the same. She hasn't even left yet and I miss her already.

And this dull throbbing in my head isn't helping any either.

A Dark and Boring Evening

This time of year is such an emotional roller-coaster ride sometimes, you know? I think I'd like to blame it about 50-50 on the lack of daylight hours and the lack of heat.

I like heat. Probably more than daylight even. Heat to me means comfort and less (if any at all) clothing. Not everyone feels that way about warm temps like I do. The darkness I think is what takes a lot out of me. It makes me not want to go anywhere and makes me think about going to bed sometimes at 8pm or thereabouts. It's just weird.

Sarah's Christmas present showed up at work yesterday so that's one thing I don't have to worry about. I haven't opened it yet, but I will one of these days. If not just to make sure it works right, but also to load all the software she will need onto it. I also need to come up with a good picture to use as a desktop. I think it should have a Merry Christmas on it as well. I'll figure something out.

My own computer here has been giving me fits. I sensed that the main hard drive was failing. It's a 200-gig unit that has been residing as my C drive since I bought it a year or so ago. The old 120-gig hard drive that I did have as my C drive was moved to D-drive position at that time, taking up the position of "second fiddle." The other day I swapped em back, wiping the 120 clean and installing Windoze fresh. I had to be so careful moving files though because the "old" C drive (which is now D) is acting up so much. It would make a single click sound and the whole computer would lock up. After I swapped em to the way they are now and reloaded, it was still doing it. Yesterday I completely unhooked the problematic 200 from the system. So far no lockups. I have to hook it back up and get the rest of my files off it though. All in good time...

We still haven't gotten much rain since I sealed the Neon with 5 lbs. of silicone sealant the other day. We did get some the other night, but I don't know how much really because it was at night time and I was sleeping. No leak so far though. Yay!

The truck is another story. I went down and bought a new starter after work yesterday (I didn't trust the old one even though it seemed intact). I just know it was refusing to turn over last time I tried to start it. After I put the new one in, it did the same thing. Obviously there is a bad cable/connection issue in there somewhere.

True to Craigslist form, I keep getting people that respond to my ad and want my chin-up exercise thing. So far I've had 3 people in 3 days that "want it" but guess how many have shown up so far? Zip. Zero. Zilch. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Craigslist is just too easy for people to speak up and say "Yo!" at the drop of a hat. Actually putting their shoes on and driving their car to another town and shelling out cash is truly another story.

I still don't have all the balls on my Christmas tree yet. I keep getting sidetracked and haven't sat down to put hooks in all of em yet. I have the top 25% of the tree finished so far. I looks pretty plain, but that's okay... It's just like my house. And me. We're all plain.

One bright spot is that I did manage to get some Thanksgiving leftovers. I haven't enjoyed them yet, but I plan to tomorrow. Teresa came over on Sunday to have me blow out her furnace filter and to help her order a video game console online for Sarah. I found a spot where she could order it with no tax and free shipping. She left me a bunch of stuff from their Thanksgiving meal. Pretty nice of her.

Well, I guess I'll get a shower and get ready for bed. Wow, I made it to 9 o'clock so far!

I Need a Change

I'm not sure exactly, but I think it's mostly my job. I need something else.

I say I'm not sure because I really haven't put my finger on the source of my discontent. Maybe it's not my job--Maybe I need to move... I don't know. It's just that lately I feel like everything is wrong somehow. Nothing seems to be clicking. I've pointed an angry finger on more than one occasion recently at all three of my vehicles, like they're letting me down.

What if I'm just letting myself down?

When it comes to my job, I have to suffer the slings and arrows of my lack of education. I made my bed, now I have to lie in it. I'm not one of those rapid-fire job changers that has a resume' that's multiple pages long--I like to stick with a job. I like the feeling of loyalty to an employer. When you are just a basic "jack of all trades" as I am, you will never earn a lot of money unless you do stick with an employer through thick and thin.

Unless you work at Boeing.

I have to admit, I was online looking at their jobs last night. They have a lot of openings and I could easily get hired on there. Do I really want to? I hate the unknowns that come with working for Boeing. How long will your job last is the big one. Will your job move you to another area to work at some point down the road? If I didn't like it much back then, why would now be any different?

Because Boeing gives you vacation time off and sick days, that's why. And regular raises and good insurance and lots of other bennies.

I think what's really bugging me lately though about my job is the lack of time off. I'm not talking the opposite of overtime--I work the usual 8 hour days and get my weekends off. I'm talking about vacation time. I have worked there for well over 5 years and still only have one week of vacation. You know what you want to do when you have only one week of vacation? You want to put it under a glass case or mount it on a plaque on the wall. In other words--Not use it. It's just not enough to be flexible with. One teeny little vacation wipes you out for an entire year. Your friends might go on a Harley event someplace, but you can't go because your vacation is in "in case of emergency, break glass" storage area. You are afraid to waste it, and that just makes it eat at you all the more.

My supervisor said to me once that at La Croix Industries vacation is a "negotiated" thing. Being a merit shop, nobody gets things automatically--They have to earn them. You know what? I shouldn't have to negotiate vacation. I haven't missed an unscheduled day of work since I've been there, and the 2 or 3 times I've been late for work in 5 ½ years have all been no more than one or two minutes.

I'm just disgruntled. Maybe it's my job--Maybe not. All I know is, I need a change. I wish someone could tell me what it is...

It's Kind of a Heartbreaking Thing...

There I was at 5:30 this morning, the Harley sitting there idling... Warming up in the chilly early morning darkness. I was looking forward to riding to work this morning, knowing that the weather was going to be okay for it. I had my chaps on and had just put my jacket on when I happened to look out the garage at Harley sitting there in the driveway.

The tail light was out.

Dammit, and I had just replaced it the night before because one of the filaments (the bulbs have two filaments--One for brake and one for tail light) was burned out. Swearing under my breath, I grabbed a screwdriver and headed out there with a new bulb. When I got out there I noticed that the headlight was also out. WTF? I jiggled the high beam/low beam switch on the handlebars, and the headlight came on momentarily on the bright setting, only to go out in a quick flash of blue.

I know was that meant. When a bulb flashes once and looks bluish, that was its last gasp--It's toast.

Obviously there was more there than just a bad bulb, so I shut it off and rolled it back into the garage. I felt like a whipped puppy as I took my leathers off. At this point I didn't have time to dick around or I would have been late for work, so I didn't even have time to go upstairs and exchange my boots for shoes. As I got in my car and drove off, I felt momentarily happy that I had at least filled up the gas tank on it the night before. Something told me that even though I was planning on riding the bike I'd better fill it up anyway. At least that worked out.

Well, I troubleshooted the problem tonight after work. Both headlight filaments were burned out (weird!), and one tail light filament was burned out. I came back after going out and buying new bulbs, installed them, and was outside running the bike... Making sure everything was right. All the lights worked until I got to the foot brake. The hand brake lit the brake light up, but the foot brake didn't. When I started tracing the foot brake linkage back to find the switch that activated it, I found the source of the problem. One of the two wires on the switch had broken off the switch, leaving it bare and bouncing off anything near it. How do I know? I saw it spark when I touched it. I immediately shut the bike off so I wouldn't blow my new lights, and unplugged the broken part of the switch from the end of the wire so it wouldn't touch anything until I can buy a new switch for it after work tomorrow. I plan on riding it to work tomorrow, and the fact that I have no brake light when I hit the foot brake is moot. I always use both brakes when I stop, and if I'm using the hand brake the light will come on fine.

I have to wonder how long it's been like this because it has been going through an awful lot of tail lights in recent times...

I'm just lucky it didn't happen on the way to work this morning instead of the driveway. No lights at all is hard to work with when it's dark out...

Engulfed by Gloom

I was in a foul mood today. Dark, angry, fed up, and wanting to chuck it all out the window. It was one of those days when people can see it because you wear it like a crown of thorns. I was all at once sick of my car, my Harley, my truck, my job, my hair... You name it, I was pissed at it.


So, here's the majority of the things that drove me into the mental mud today:

Mandatory overtime - Okay, everyone knows I hate overtime. Hate, hate, hate. Because I didn't feel like pushing the issue this time, I said I'd work their mandatory 10 hours days this week. Apparently, I'm one of only a few guys there that can do silver-soldering (a form of brazing/welding). There was a certain product that we were overdue shipping and they needed me to do them. I finished them all by 4 o'clock. I planned on staying until 4:30, but there just wasn't that much else to do. Imagine my surprise when the parts I "hurried up and finished" were still sitting there untouched. When it came 2:30 today, I bailed. Whether I feel like working overtime tomorrow or not I'll decide when the time comes.

The leaky car - Everyone that has been keeping up on the latest and greatest knows I have a leaky car. You also know I put a new heater core in it, which was no easy task. You also know that it didn't fix the whole problem and it leaked again when I drove it shortly after a rainstorm. You may not know, however, that I spent some time out working on it a couple weekends ago, and did some re-sealing work on it. It involved removing the front fender and lots of associated parts. Did it fix it? No. It rained a couple nights ago, and when I drove to work the next morning it dumped all over the floor once again.

The truck that only starts when it wants to - My truck pisses me off so bad I just sneer at it when I walk by. I think it's starting to resent me now because when it only appears to start when I was only testing it--When I wasn't really going to drive anywhere anyway. In addition, when it starts during these times, it starts instantly.

The missing website - I clicked my website button yesterday and was greeted by this nice message of doom:

The page you're accessing no longer exists or you mistyped the URL.

Now isn't that a nice surprise? I tried to access it through my web software and through their website, and still: Nothing. It doesn't even recognize me as a user. Now wouldn't that give you a warm feeling? It's not like I will lose my files because I have them all here. Actually, I really haven't lost my website totally either, because like any good geek, I have a backup website with all the files all ready to go. There is talk on their support forum that it is a hardware problem at a "node" in their system that my website resides on, and it will be back up eventually. Whatever... It wouldn't be the first time I had to pack up and move on...

Harley shocks - My new Harley shocks that made it ride like shit when I first put them on? I had nothing but trouble trying to adjust them. It's made even harder by how it's designed and how close to the ground they are. What I'm trying to say is, even under optimum conditions adjusting them is a bitch. Let alone having them not want to adjust and bind up when I tried turning them. I ended up taking them each in and out twice. I rode it today and it's a major improvement, but I still need to tweak it more.

Those are just some of the highlights of my Wednesday mental state. There were also lots of other little things like having the high speed press go down today too, and upon removing the die and dissecting it, finding part of it shattered. I tried to busy myself as much as I could to keep my mind off things, but I know I was plodding along all day with a whipped look on my face. When 2:30 came, I left. Screw it.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better one.

A Strange End to Summer

If that's indeed what it is. I sure feels like it's ended.

This has been the coolest, wettest, worst August I can ever recall in my lifetime. Come on--Mid 60's?! What is wrong with this picture? Don't the weather gods know how much I hate clothing? I have had to change plans umpteen times in the last few weeks. As a matter of fact, I have been having to throw a light robe on while I'm sitting here having my morning coffee. Sunday I almost turned my heat on (gasp!) Almost.

No, it's just not right for August.

What's really pissing me off is the fact that it's starting to look like it might ruin Nudestock. It's coming up this Saturday, and according to a couple of online weather reports, one says a high of 70 with showers, and the other says mostly sunny with a high of 68. Hey, it's either or... Same thing only they vary by two degrees. All I know is, that kind of weather is not a nudist's favorite. It will probably have an effect of crowd turnout for sure. Oh well, if I do go and that's the case, the pool and hot tubs won't be quite as crowded. Nudestock is the biggest event all year at their facility, and I have been looking forward to it since last year!

Sarah has had a renewed interest in getting her driver's license lately, and yesterday Teresa took her down and she passed the written part of her test. I have talked with Teresa over the phone about her a few times, and she expressed a certain doubt about how "one-sided" it will be between Sarah and her boyfriend as far as the car thing goes. Apparently he's even more lazy than Sarah is (like me she's not a real "ball of fire"), and Teresa feels that Sarah will be investing all this time and trouble and money without seeing any reciprocation from him. It's not like Sarah has a source of income either, although she has also expressed an interest in putting out some job applications. That's a bit of a "Catch-22" really, because you almost can't have one without the other. Teresa has fixed Sarah up with a debit card (Sarah's account) so we'll see how that goes. Generally she is pretty good with money. I was talking to Sarah last night, and asked her if she remembered how much it cost me on our vacation to fill her car up with gas each time. She was close... But the point was how big of a chunk of cash it costs to operate a vehicle these days. The good thing is, Sarah has gotten to be a pretty good driver (Teresa's words) so I feel better about that at least.

I spent a little time over there talking with Sarah after work yesterday, and she showed me an artwork that she had finally finished that had been started in the final months of art class at school. She's very good! I would love to have her do a picture for me that I could treasure for the rest of my life. She also showed me her new ASB card (registration for the school year was just recently) and she has a very good picture on it. She has gotten very photogenic recently. She had an awkward era there (like all teenagers do) where she was trying to keep up with everything her body was throwing at her, but she really looks confident and beautiful in her pictures these days.

Well, the migration of chatters from Yahoo to Paltalk has been amazing. The new chat client works so well and everybody is having a great time. It was good to see Rhon make her way on there for the first time last night as well, and it was surprising to me (and probably to her as well) how many folks she knew in the room from her past chatting experiences.

One thing that reared its ugly head recently was weather-based. At least the findings were weather-based. All that work I did on my car--Gutting the whole interior and putting a new heater core in was mostly for naught. Apparently only a small portion of the leakage that was coming out of my heater was actually antifreeze from the heater core (I know some of it was because you could smell it). I drove the car somewhere Sunday after it had been sitting in the rain all day Saturday and was pissed to find a gusher of water come down through the heater when I turned a corner! Argghh! See, all cars have a "dead space" around the area of wiper linkage where inside meets outside. In other words, water from outside my enter these spaces (it has to really) but is funneled back out--Usually down either side of the firewall. I guess there is a seam leak somewhere in my car, and although fixing those water leaks is usually a cheap and straightforward thing, finding it or accessing it isn't. I may have to dissect the whole interior again just to do water tests.

I feel like sending both my car and my truck to the crusher and starting over...

Well, it looks like I need to ride the Harley to work the next couple of days so I can take advantage of the weather. That always makes getting off work doubly special!

The Writing Void

I must be in it. I haven't had any desire to write anything down in quite a few days.

All last week was rainy. Rain, rain, rain. Twice I got up and almost rode the Harley to work only to be very glad I didn't a couple hours later when it started raining and never stopped the whole day.

Teresa called right after I got home from work on Friday and asked me if I'd ride with Sarah when she takes her boyfriend back home. She has been sick all week and still wasn't up to going out of the house. Because Sarah only has a learner's permit, someone has to ride with her (in Teresa's car.) After that quick jaunt, she asked me if I would drive her to Southcenter in an hour or so. Evidently there was a big Harry Potter party at the Barnes & Noble store there and a bunch of her friends were already there. They were going to hang out and be teenagers until the book officially went on sale at midnight.

Friday was also one of the worst times I've seen the leaky heater core in my car dump water on the passenger floor on the way to work in the morning. It's obvious I need to address the issue right away. So when Sarah called later on for her ride to Southcenter, I told her we'd have to drive with a window or two open (it was getting moist in there) and she'd have to keep her feet out of the way of the drips. What a great car. I'm still toying with just getting rid of it and keeping the one I bought Sarah...

Saturday I had the big party to attend up in Lynnwood, so before I left I got under the hood of the Neon and disconnected the heater core. I looped one hose back to the engine so coolant still flowed--It just didn't go anywhere inside the car any more. That means no defroster or heater any more until it's fixed, but also no more leaking.

The party was good, but not great. The reason was totally my fault. I didn't eat hardly anything all day, and when I did start eating, it was too late. In other words, I got too drunk too fast. I ended up taking a nap on the couch in the living room at about 10pm. The party was out in the back yard for the most part, so it was okay. I was pissed at myself though. There was a great turnout of people, some of which showed up a bit late and didn't stay long, and I ended up missing a few of them. I ended up staying overnight just as I planned, but didn't have to use my sleeping bag as there was a crappy fold-out bed in the first bedroom. Overall, I had fun, but I'm still pissed at myself.

Yesterday was mostly a sit around recovery day. I got home at about 11am, but was never really worth a shit all day. I did manage to get a little work done on the Harley at least. I'm just making some adjustments to the saddlebags to let them nestle in closer to the sides of the bike. I chose to do it in the nude as usual. I almost didn't do it because it felt pretty muggy in the garage. I would have loved to be able to open the garage door while I was working, but I decided I would rather be nude and slightly uncomfortable. I guess in retrospect, I should have just opened the garage door for a while before I started working... Then closed it again. Oh well. I think summer is supposed to return this week, so I need to get it finished up as soon as possible. Maybe tonight. I need to buy a few bolts to finish it.

I uploaded all our vacation pictures from mine and Sarah's vacation yesterday to Glowfoto.com. I chose them because they keep the pictures in their original size. The trouble is that it seems to keep wanting to rearrange them. I fought and fought with them off and on and still never seemed to get anywhere. There are still some that need to be rotated and stuff like that, but here's the links to em:

Rick's pictures Sarah's pictures

The Las Vegas Saga Continues...

This morning we were feeling better when we woke up.

We took our time and finally got ourselves moving and checked out at 9:30-ish. I still felt very, very bad at denying Sarah of the one thing of this vacation trip that she wanted to do: Experience Las Vegas. I decided to drive us around town so Sarah could take all the pictures she wanted. After about an hour, I noticed a smell coming from somewhere, and at the same time noticed that the temp gauge was rising quickly and I had a coolant level alarm light on. I took a few quick turns around the corners to get us off the main drag, and ended up on a small road behind the strip. I investigated it and found the coolant bottle was empty. A bicycle-riding security guard from the Hooters casino (we were parked behind their place) came by and gave me some water, then went for more. Then a Mexican guy that was working on a project nearby came over and gave me water. Between the two of them, the car got cooled down, but was still losing water. I decided I would head onto the freeway to see if it would cool down... Gambling on the chance that the leak would only let the water leak "so far down" before stopping. Wrong. I made it about a mile before the light came back on, and the gauge pegged out again. I barely made it off the exit and shut the engine off, coasting to a stop in a safe place within a pylon protected area of a new road lane that hadn't been opened yet.

I was beside myself. A feeling of total helplessness overwhelmed me. Here I was in a strange town with a car that was broken down. I had no idea what was wrong, no idea who to call, and no idea what to do next. It was close to 95 or so out, so Sarah and I walked two blocks or so to a Jack in the Box so I could gather my wits. My AARP card had some numbers on it, so a call to them gave me the number of a local repair company. The repair company gave me the number of a towing company. The tow truck driver recommended a different repair company--One that was closer, but yet had a good reputation. I went with it.

Still fearing the worst. I kept thinking, "What do you do when you are 1000 miles from home, and are hit with a major repair that is more than the car is worth?" Do you have it fixed regardless? Do you sell it for a good price on the spot? See, I feared something bad like a blown head gasket, or cracked head. Another issue: If they could fix it but it would take a week, what to do? Fly home and fly back next week? Sure, just add that to the cost of the whole thing. My mind was reeling.

It was a pretty good sized shop and the guys were pretty nice to deal with. They did a check on it and found that it appeared to be a simple fix but would have to delve into it a bit deeper. In the meantime, Sarah and I walked over to a local El Pollo Loco restaurant and ate lunch. After returning and waiting for a while, they informed us that it was simply a factory "quick-connect" plug that had come undone under the engine. They repaired it, refilled it, and checked it out well before handing it back to us $84 later. I felt so relieved.

We hit the road.

I hoped to hit a convenience store on the way to the freeway. I wanted to buy some more ice and drinking water, and Sarah wanted to get a Las Vegas postcard. We were on a road paralleling the freeway, about 10 minutes out of town, when Sarah turned to me and asked how far I was going to go before turning around and going back closer to town for a convenience store. I drove a bit longer before turning around. On the way back she said, "Couldn't we stay one more night? I don't want to get to Los Angeles at 10 o'clock tonight." The more I thought about it, the more it seemed like the right thing to do.

I had an epiphany and turned around. After all, had it not been for Sarah wanting me to drive us around to take pictures this morning, we would have been a good hour or so out of town before it burst... Way out in the desert. That would have been one hefty towing bill! I figured that it was a sign so here we are at the same motel that we had last night. The difference is, this time we arrived early enough to take advantage of the free motel shuttle to The Strip.

We're hitting the town in a few minutes!

What A Nightmare

I hate Las Vegas.

Yes, that's where I'm sitting right now. We got into town at a decent time--Around 8pm or so. We took the exit off the freeway and went right for The Strip. We enjoyed looking all the sights and sounds for a few miles, but then tried to focus on finding a motel. After getting totally frustrated by the gridlock and roads that didn't go through, I did endless circling around the town. I kept ending up in giant parking areas, or on-ramps or anything but the roads I wanted to be on. At about 9pm I finally found a motel. After we unloaded all our stuff I went out for some beer and supplies and came back only to find that our room had no refrigerator! I was pissed and went down to the desk and argued with the guy there. Every motel I had ever been in had a fridge until I came to this town, so I was sure he was trying to fuck me. In disgust, I told him to cancel everything, that I was going to get my stuff and I was leaving.

Boy was that a mistake.

They don't have many "motels" in this town. They are are huge hotels instead. After driving around for two hours and making a few inquiry's, I was literally crying out of frustration. I was totally frazzled. Sarah was crying too, and I felt so bad for her. I uprooted us for a stupid fridge. We were going to go downtown later and look at lights and sights. I even resignedly went back to the same motel with my tail between my legs, hoping to get my room back. No, it was gone. One of the motels I had inquired at earlier was a bit overpriced, but we went back and got in. We finally were settled at almost midnight. While Sarah was getting settled, I went back out to get us something to eat. I went to In & Out Burger, which she had expressed a desire to buy a t-shirt from (a lot of her friends had them). I bought us a couple of burgers and bought her a shirt like she wanted. I felt it was the least I could do. She seemed pretty pleased when I finally found my way back to the motel. I'm so sorry Sarah... I blew it big time and screwed you out of something you wanted to see on this trip.

I hate this town.

From where I left off in the last blog entry, we had headed back out onto the freeways through still-smoky air around Salt Lake City, and went to Antelope Island State Park, which is smack in the middle of the Great Salt Lake. We walked out to the lake so Sarah could go into it. Neither she or I felt like going swimming in it because we had just gotten dressed a short time earlier, but in retrospect, we probably should have. After all, they had showers and everything there. Although if we had, we would have gotten to our next destination even later than we did. There are very few things alive in and around that lake. It's full of brine shrimp, as well as packed with birds that feed on them. It is also completely lined with a thick carpet of brine flies. It's a weird phenomenon watching them rise up like a blurry dark wave when you walk through them. They also make a humming noise when they do because there are so many of them.

From there we drove south of the city and cut east through the mountains. Destination: Moab, Utah. The terrain got more and more beautiful as we went. The road cuts through canyons of red colored rock, and the surrounding terrain looking like it was fresh out of an old western movie. We were actually headed to the Arches State Park near Moab, and the closer we got, the hotter it got. By the time we reached The Arches, I'm sure it was a solid 100 or better. We explored The Arches for a couple hours in awe. I have never seen such natural wonder in my life. After we saw all that, we mentally scratched Bryce Canyon off our list. I mean, how could it compare? It was basically the same sort of formations, only not colored the beautiful deep red that The Arches area stuff was. When we finally got a motel in Moab, it was almost 7pm. It felt good to lie down. Especially to Sarah, who had been feeling sick the last few days.

She had been hot, tired, and not wanting to eat or drink enough. After watching her and trying everything I could do to make her more comfortable, I had pretty much decided that there wasn't much more I could do. I decided that she was feeling homesick and that it was really taking its toll on her. I even offered to take her to an airport and send her back home as soon as possible if she wanted, but she didn't want to do that. As our trip progressed, we kept getting farther and farther from home, and she kept feeling very badly. My suspicions were confirmed when she actually voiced the same conclusion that I had come up with about anxiety and homesickness. When we left Moab and headed south to The Grand Canyon, she was exactly the same--Listless, not hungry, feeling sick. But when we hit a point in the road where we were actually turning West, in other words, the furthest point in our vacation, she took a total 180 turn--Becoming her usual talkative and cheerful self.

We left Moab early in the morning. The day before I had wondered who in their right mind would live somewhere so far out like that, but when I saw the cliffs highlighted by the morning sun I was in awe. It was truly a beautiful sight. We left at that time because it was cool outside and we needed to take advantage of that. As we headed south toward Flagstaff, she was marginally better, but mostly because the air temp was comfortable and we had lots of sights to marvel at as we went, like Monument Valley for example. When I made a turn onto a highway that led o the south rim of The Grand Canyon, Sarah got teary eyed, asking when we were going to head to Las Vegas. I told her that as of that moment we were indeed headed toward Las Vegas. In her mind, when we turned at the Grand Canyon Park sign she thought that we were going to detour off the highway for miles and miles to see The Grand Canyon, then have to backtrack miles and miles to get back to where we turned. When I told her no, that this highway a "through" road and we were indeed heading to Las Vegas at that point, she turned suddenly cheerful, and enjoyed every minute of the rest of the trip.

The Grand Canyon was a sight to behold. Neither she or I were prepared for the scale of it. You can look at pictures all your life, but until you stand on the rim and look down at it, you will never know. The rim drive we took had several spots to pull off and take pictures, so we did at every one. It was very cool! Naturally we stopped at a store and bought a few things at the end like all good tourists do.

From there we headed back out on the road. Sarah suffered another slight relapse until we got to a point were we started seeing the mileage signs to Vegas, then she perked up again. The highway we took led us right over Hoover Dam, so we got lots of pictures of that as well. It's VERY hard to get pictures of that thing because it's so big, but we tried. We were lucky we got there when we did, because they actually close the highway over top of it every evening at 8pm for construction.

Then we got to Vegas...

I'm Just Not Into Today

Yeah, I know... It's Father's Day. What does that mean to me?

Not much.

At the risk of being cynical or apathetic, I just don't care for Father's Day and I don't think I ever have. It's just another of what I call "obligatory" shopping days. Dad's aren't the same as moms, and I don't think we get the same warm feeling that women do on their day of celebration. Don't get me wrong--I treasure all those special times that all dads do, like holding your child, reading to them, teaching them to ride a bike, or all the other multitudes of things that come with fatherhood. I just don't like the day of celebration I guess.

What did I get for Father's Day? I got the opportunity to get up this morning and make breakfast for Sarah and I. She stayed over last night--The first time in over a year--Because Teresa was going to someones wedding in Bellingham overnight. Well, although we had a good visit, I knew if I wanted breakfast I would have to cook it myself. I forget what time she got up, but it was at least 9. She did say "Happy Father's Day" at one point, but that's it.

I just got back from my parents' house... Paying the obligatory visit to the old man. I stopped at the store and bought him a nice, big steak and a package of strawberries. I got no reaction from him, and really didn't expect any. After listening to him rant about all the things that matter to him (and nobody else) and of course repeating them umpteen times each, I had to listen to them all over again when my brother and his family showed up. I swear I wish I had a big piece of gauze to bite down on sometimes... I couldn't wait to leave.

This week was fairly uneventful. Nothing went wrong or badly at work all week, which is very good indeed. I did manage to take the Harley out for a ride on Thursday night, and went up to Enumclaw to the Yella Beak Saloon. They have a Thursday biker event every week, and I wanted to check it out. I wasn't too impressed. Nice folks tending bar though, and that's always good. Of course I ended up drinking more than I should have. On the way home I stopped at my brother's house and talked to him for a while, and of course had another beer. I told him all about the weekend in Chelan and stuff. By the time I went to bed I was fairly well lit, and wouldn't you know it--Forgot to set my alarm clock. I woke up at 5:20 instead of 4:00, so had no time for coffee, but I did at least have time to make my sandwich for lunch. Even though my day got off to a shitty start, it ended up being an okay one.

Yesterday I drove up to R.E.I. in Seattle and bought myself a new chair to take to work to replace the one my coworker ruined. It's almost the exact same dimensions and design as the old one, and it's the only place I found one. It was $25, which isn't bad. Now all that remains is to see if the guy will step up and pay for it like he said he would. Hell, I'll even take $5 a week if he'll do it that way. I'm just happy to get a nice, comfortable snooze chair back.

I never did get a call or email or anything from Mark, but I don't get my hopes up. After all, I was absent from his life for 26 years... You can't expect me to be all that high on his list. He has said though that in the short time we've known each other I've been twice the dad that his "dad" ever was, and that will have to suffice. He has his own loving family right there to shower him with praise on this, his third year as a father.

I hope he had a good one!

Update to this morning's post...

First I stared in disbelief.
Then I thought I was going to cry.
Then (and still now) thought I was going to throw up.

I went out to the garage a couple hours ago to move my Harley parts into the house where it was a little warmer and safer for them. I moved both the gas tanks into the living room and set them down on the carpet in a good spot and went back to get the fenders.

Both fenders were evidently fucked up on the ride home in my car.

I didn't see it yesterday when I took them out of the trunk and put them in their spot in the garage, but it's there, plain as day. Each of them has nasty abrasion/impression marks on one side from the trunk carpet of my car. We both knew how dry/not dry they were when we put them carefully into the trunk wedged between a couple old t-shirts to keep them from moving. I only drove about 6 blocks. Evidently the factory carpet in a car trunk is not like regular carpet. Now both of them need to be redone.

I feel sick, and I still have to face Mother's Day yet.

I want to just crawl into a fucking hole.

Crying the Blues

I hate having to work overtime. Especially during a 4-day work week when I only get straight pay (under 40 hours = no time-and-a-half).

I've been working my ass off the last couple days, filling in for my supervisor on an installation of a piece of new shop equipment. This involves wiring, assembly, and all sorts of customization. Add to that the fact that our only other truck driver was out from Friday through yesterday (he'd better be back today) on vacation, which meant I kept having to drop what I was doing and go on a delivery or pickup. During all this stuff my regular work has been on hold and piling up in my inbox, so yesterday I stayed a couple hours over to try to put a dent in it. That's about all I did... And it was a small dent to boot.

One bright note yesterday though--I received two orders I placed online on Monday already! That was fast. Only two days is fast, and neither of them were from this side of the U.S. One of the items was an overhaul kit for my air compressor, and the other was the new rear turn signals I ordered for my Harley.

I was hoping to get up to someones house after work and look at or buy a bookshelf I found on Craiglist for Sarah, but she called back and apologized, noting that yesterday was her husband's birthday. We agreed on 6pm tonight. I hope it isn't raining by then. Last night would have been perfect. At least it's very local to me here, so it should be a quick and easy one.

I was out in the garage quite a while last night. It seems like this Harley job is taking forever. I guess that's because I hate long-term projects. I need to relax and just place one foot in front of the other and move at a steady pace. I'm almost ready to start in on the rear fender, and that's going to be tedious-A lot of welding and grinding. I hope I don't fuck it up.

Something else that's pissing me off is the fact that I have a tiny metal sliver in the tip of my right index finger--Right at the contact point for any button or anything you want to push. It's so small I can't even see it, let alone retrieve it. I may have to do some razor blade digging on this one.

(Sigh) I'll probably have to work overtime again tonight. Today the "setup man" for the Haas company that makes the big machine they just bought will show up and do the finalization of it, so I need to have as much done and ready for him as I can to minimize his time ($$) on the job. In the meantime, my regular work will again suffer.

I need a vacation.

Ho Hum

So, today is Valentine's Day. Yawn.

It's never been high on my list. I guess partly because I'm not a romantic, and partly because to me it's just another forced day of spending. Don't get me wrong--I like spending money--I just don't like days when the whole world feels obligated to spend money that day. Those days are all part of the Hallmark conspiracy. I'll stop and buy Sarah a card, and put a note in it good for a dinner at Red Lobster.

I used to really like it way back in elementary school though. Everyone in the class had the little "mailbox" things over on the one side of the classroom set up exclusively for Valentine's Day. It was required that everyone get one from everyone. I remember thinking back then how good of a thing it was emotionally to those kids that were treated worse than others. You know, the poor ones with bad clothes, the fat ones.... Whatever the reason. I remember getting a good feeling when I made them Valentines. I was too young to know that I was walking a fine line between condescending and philanthropy, but to this day I remember it as a warm, neighborly, "feelgood" time.

My trusty little red Neon that I bought back in June of 1994 clings to me yet, but no thanks to the repair estimate. The damages come to about $2100 and the little car isn't worth more than probably $1200.

Now I wait for the insurance people to call me and present me with my options. From where I sit, I only see them presenting me with three choices:

1. Take the settlement they offer me and get another car
2. Take the settlement they offer and buy my Neon back from them
3. Do nothing and go after the guy that hit me myself for full repairs

I'm not an "ambulance chaser" and I don't need money bad enough to hit them with a heavy lawsuit. Besides, they cost money. I would, however, like to get my car completely repaired and get a few hundred extra for my time. I don't think there's much reason to go for anything punitive. The whole experience was probably pain enough if the guy and/or his insurance is going to end up shouldering the bills for 3 cars.

I hate this kind of shit.

Gloom

I don't know what puts me in such a funk sometimes, but I certainly was earlier today at work. I wasn't able to post to my blog obviously, but I did write down some of what was going through my head:

"What is it about New Year? People always seem to reflect on things. I'm standing here at work next to a loud press, and I'm hating my life. I'm not sick, but I feel like shit. I feel old... I feel tired. I'm sure it could be residual hangover from my weekend of partying, but I didn't feel this way yesterday, so I doubt it.

Sometimes I ask myself if I should quit drinking, but it's one of the few pleasures I have. But is it really a pleasure? What if I'm exactly like my dad, only I'm masking it with alcohol and he isn't? No, I don't think so. I may have my days of despair, but my head is still clear enough to be analytical. I still have my marbles.

I wonder still, as I have for many years, why I'm here and what I'm doing. I've said before how I thought that people who go to church do so to justify their existence. I also said I didn't need to justify my existence--That I was happy just "being." What if that's not true? I know church will never be in my life because I don't believe in it, but maybe what I'm missing is some sort of spirituality? I doubt if I'll ever know.

I don't know what it is about me. It's kind of like I'm a part-time hermit. Sometimes I want to completely isolate myself from humanity and not talk to anyone. Because that's how I feel this morning, I have been doing my damnedest to avoid everyone just to avoid talking. Other times I crave human interaction, and ironically, those those are the times that I seem to have the most trouble finding anyone to interact with.

Sometimes it's a cruel world."

Fortunately, as the day wore on I felt better. It's a helluva way to start the new year, isn't it? Tomorrow's another day...

Feeling Unplugged

I'm still not feeling the Christmas spirit.

I've started listening to 106.9 FM here locally this week because they're playing nothing but Christmas music, and it does seem to help a little. It helps, but I'm still not feeling quite right. I think the reason I can't quite put my finger on the reason for my state of mind is that it's because of a combination of things. I think what I wrote in my little poem the other day still holds true. I evidently missed the free concerts the Auburn School District puts on at this time every year. They do concert band, jazz band, orchestra, and choral concerts that are all holiday music. I missed them all.

Saturday I finally got rid of all that computer stuff that I sold on Ebay, so that cleared my living room back up to it's former barren self. That netted me about 90 bucks. The guy drove down from Everett to get it all. He would have been down sooner but for the weather we had on Thursday night. I couldn't fault him for that.

While I was waiting for him I boxed up the items I had to send down to LA to Mark, Dana, & Emma. They were, of course, wrapped and ready to just take out of the box and put under the Christmas tree when they get there. I managed to make it to the post office and get them mailed well before they closed, so that was one weight off my shoulders.

Sarah and I went out shopping last night for one of her friends. Her group of friends at school drew names and did a give exchange (actually it's taking place tonight) so she wanted to know if I would take her out shopping. We had a good time, but we ended up right back across the street from me here at Fred Meyer and bought her friend a gingerbread house kit.

I told Sarah I tried to get hold of her on Saturday because I wanted to build one of those with her, but she was out somewhere. We've done those in the past and she loves it and she definitely wants to do it again, so we'll get together some time in the next few days to do that. Today was her last day of school, so because I don't have to pick her up after school the rest of the week (or next week) I'm free to do shopping on the way home from work. Who knows, I may even decide to ride the poor old Harley to work. It feels so neglected.

I'm a little nervous about present delivery. The "big" item I bought for Sarah was back ordered. They expected it to ship on the 19th (today) but evidently it hasn't. I fear that because of Christmas' proximity to this weekend, I was cutting it too close as it was, let alone having an item back ordered. I screwed that up, and it pisses me off. Even if it does ship, I'm having it sent to work, and that means I can't get it on Saturday should they try deliver it then. If it does ship, I'll try to intercept it at the shipping place so it doesn't even go out on a truck. But still... It needs to ship first, and it's not moving yet. Dammit.

That's just the kind of thing that I don't need to happen right now. I need everything to go smoothly. No wonder people drink so much during the holiday season...

Pain can be such a pain

I had such a headache this morning when I got to work.

I hesitate to use Excedrin first thing in the morning because of its caffeine content. I just don't feel like having more caffeine right after polishing off two 16 oz cups of coffee at home. So, what do I do? I put up with it. I do my best "mind over matter" imitation, willing the pain away.

So anyway, back to the headache. It was the kind that is behind your eyes... You know the one. There may be technical name for it, but as far as I'm concerned it was just a throbbing pain. It seemed to be concentrated more towards my right eye actually, but I didn't really care.

It was just pain.

Then at one point I ended up with a feeling of discomfort in my right eye. It's the same exact feeling I might get when there's a teeny little eyelash swimming around in it. Not everybody can touch the surface of their eyeball, but I can. I went to the mirror in the bathroom and carefully wiped my finger across the surface of my eyeball, gently rolling it as I did. The instant I did so I saw a red spot in my eye. Thinking I had something red on my finger, I gently wiped again. This time I witnessed it smear. WTF? I either made my eye bleed by gently wiping it the first time, or it chose to bleed regardless and I just happened to be in there at that time. When I tried to wipe it a third time, the red stayed. Obviously it was just below the surface of the eye at that point.

I left the bathroom... Still in pain, but somewhat concerned. I've never had a big rid blood spot in the white of my eye before. I decided to just monitor it from time to time.

Throughout the day, the headache came and went. Holding itself at bay just enough to keep me from taking my Excedrin, but making itself known enough to be a nuisance. It seemed like about the time I wanted to take something for it, it was almost lunch time, and it would've interfered with my nap.

Add to that the fact that I just noticed a nice, healthy canker sore in my mouth too. That's just fine... Might as well have everything crap out all at once.

Fortunately, I was doing okay by the time I went to pick Sarah up after school. My eye spot was gone, but instead just looked overly bloodshot in that area of the spot. We went to the store and bought some goodies to eat and drink, then went to her house where we hung out on the deck and talked for an hour or so.

Spending time with Sarah was a good way to end a painful day. It kind of lets you know how much pain is nothing but a little something in the way of the rest of your life.

Step around it and move on.