Time, Goals, Worry, and Frustration

I used to pride myself on the fact that I didn't worry about things.

I've concluded that I'm fooling myself. To make a statement like that, I would have to be the epitome of happy-go-lucky. I would have to be the person that is always smiling and bestowing happiness to everyone I meet. That's simply not me at all. What I've decided is that while I thought I was not a worrier, I am most certainly so. I just never worried about the same things that someone else was worrying about. That is a strange realization. Someone worries about something and you tell them, "Hey, don't worry about that--It just doesn't matter." In fact, it does matter to them, and it may matter very much... I just don't feel it. They do feel it, and there's no way I could possibly make an assessment like that when I'm not standing in their shoes.

The fact is I do worry, and most of it is self-inflicted.

I end up worrying way too much about things I never should have been worrying about in the first place. The reason I end up in that situation is because my desires and aspirations end up being higher than my actions. Although it sometimes means I'm being lazy, many times it's just a matter of something else catching my interest or attention, and my spending too much time at it. Before I know it, I've run out of time. It's strange how being a generally fickle person can cause "crossover" issues. Again, there I go worrying about it.

It's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Here it is December 5th, formerly my wedding anniversary. Am I worried about that? No. What I do worry about is how close it is to Christmas. The days pass by so quickly and I worry about it. Here again is a case where my aspirations are higher than my realistic achievement score: I wanted so much to make a video of myself reading stories to send to my granddaughter, Emma. Not just "a video" but rather a complete DVD with a menu. My thoughts were to have a menu with a selection of story choices, each a story read aloud to the watcher. I didn't just want the camera to be on me while I was reading, I wanted it to be looking over my shoulder at the pages of the book while I read, with a shot of me every now and then sitting in the chair, all while still keeping the reading continuity. It sounds easy doesn't it? Well I thought it did too. When I started thinking more and more about it (read that "thinking" not "doing") I started worrying about the logistics of it. The fact is, it is not something that is currently part of my knowledge or ability. All the time I spent thinking about doing it, nothing got done. Then it switched to worry and frustration. Now it's December 5th and it's time I admit defeat once again like so many times before in my life. Now I've wasted so much time that I'm out of time. Now all I can do is be an average person and shop for a thoughtful gift and send it.

It's time for me to admit that I can't do anywhere near the amount of things that I want to do. If I learn to concentrate on the things that I can do, I won't worry anywhere near as much, and I may stop running out of time by spinning my mental wheels needlessly. I need to forget about things I want to do but can't do well (or maybe never have done at all), and instead concentrate on things I do do well. It's apparent that I just can't make time work for me. I guess that's why my one fantasy genie wish would be for more time.

I kinda feel bad that I even had the thought of Emma's story DVD now. It got my hopes up without my considering whether or not it was something I could actually pull off. I guess I'll be a typical relative that's a victim of distance and send something store-bought in the mail.

But I wanted so much more. I wanted to make an impact. I wanted.