Tuesday, January 27, 2009

It's Hard to Believe...

...That my little girl is 18 years old!

Yesterday was Sarah's birthday, and off and on throughout the day I had little flashbacks of the little girl she was. I remembered sitting across from her as she sat on her little potty chair in the bathroom--She held a book and studied it carefully as I read the story to her (upside down from my vantage point), telling her when to turn the pages.

Those were special times.

She called me last week and asked me if I was going to have her birthday at my house.
"I dunno, I hadn't thought about it really, why to you ask?"
"If you have it at your house everybody comes. Nobody wants to come to our house." she admitted.
She wasn't far off base with her comment, as sad as it seemed. The difference is that I called people and invited them--Her mom didn't. I saw it happen time and time again while I lived there. I wanted a party and the day before would arrive and she would admit that she "never got around to calling" anybody. I felt Sarah's predicament.

I called everybody last Friday and invited them over last night at 6:00-ish. It was a great turnout and everyone had a good time. Sarah brought her boyfriend to introduce to those of the family that had not met him yet. How many gatherings do you ever know of where someone has their girlfriend and their ex-wife both present? Mine did, and all went totally fine.

Sarah is still not failing to amaze me with her schooling and grades. I saw her transcript, and there is just a sporadic B here and there--The rest A's. It's weird (she's my kid!?). She's taking some pretty heavy classes too, so she's not just skating through her senior year with "underwater basketweaving 101" or similar fare. She has been applying to colleges lately, and to date has her apps in at 3 of them. Based on her grades, I'm sure she'll get in.

I'm proud of her!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Satisfaction

Isn't it funny? Just a couple blogs ago I was pissing and moaning about dissatisfaction, but I feel strangely the other way around right now.

Let me start with my truck.
Since I got my windshield in, I walk by it and note how nice the glass and the seal look, and I'm glad that the job is finally finished. Satisfaction.
Since the first time I drove it I noticed it had an electrical glitch that caused the front turn signals and parking lights to function erratically. Last night I tracked it down and replaced a bad socket. I didn't just use crimp connectors (good in a pinch, but I don't trust em) did it right: I soldered the wires and used heat-shrink tubing to cover the joints. I also cleaned out the side marker lights (they were green with growth) and put new bulbs in them. The result? Satisfaction.

Now lets switch to Suzie's house.
Last night I had just finished my truck wiring fix when she called, telling me that pizza was in the oven. When I got there, I took off my shoes and put on my slippers that live right there by the front door. Satisfaction.
When I finished with dinner, Suz was helping her daughter with filling out some forms on the computer so I sat down in the recliner with my beer to watch classic male entertainment (The Simpsons & Family Guy) with her two youngest sons. Instantly, her kittycat (Cookie is her name) walked across the couch and curled up on my lap. Satisfaction.

Last night before bed I felt my tongue starting to swell up. Those of you that know me well know that it happens sometimes, and I'm at a loss to understand why it happens. One time it even affected my breathing, and let me tell you: That was scary. Anyway, usually when it happens it's during a time of day that it can become extremely embarrassing, like at work. This time it didn't. I woke several times during the night, testing it by moving it around in my mouth. When I got up this morning it was almost completely back to normal. Satisfaction.

Okay, my cable internet died once this morning, but I guess you can't have everything, right?

Friday, January 16, 2009

Hey, It's Friday!


It's been several days since I've felt like writing. Actually, I don't feel like writing now either, but I'll go ahead and lay down a few words.

My truck got it's new windshield put in yesterday! I've been tripping over that big piece of glass for a long time. According to my blog (which I occasionally get to use to check historical facts like this), I bought the windshield clear (no pun intended) back at the end of October. I didn't think it had been that long. It's a huge difference to not have the big cracks in front of my face, and I hope that I also get no more water leakage. As long as I've had that windshield in my house it's a wonder it never got broken. It's spent time upstairs on the guest bed, downstairs on (and in front of) the couch, and in the garage lying across the washer and dryer. Now I can put all the little things back together on the poor ol' truck.

A got a voting ballot yesterday which surprised me. When I set myself up for mail-in ballot right before Suzie and I went on vacation, it was a one-time thing. I even asked the guy at the place while he was setting it all up, and he said it was "for this election only." Well imagine my surprise when I got another one yesterday! That's really not the stupid part--The stupid part is what I saw when I opened it up: One item on the ballot. (Announcer's voice) "But wait, there's more!" The item on the ballot is for the Director of Elections. WTF? Talk about irony. I wonder how much money they spent to set this special election up? It strikes me as kind of a pathetic attempt at self-preservation. Yes, your tax dollars at work folks...

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Forlorn Machinery

This is the time of year when gloom sets in. It's the time of year that people often reflect on things they have or have not done. It's when people have the holiday season behind them and realize how much money they really spent. For me, it's mostly weather that gives me the gloom. I guess it's the one bad thing about living in this part of the United States.

I make poor use of my time--That's no secret. For me, this time of year is when I notice most all the things that I should have done to my vehicles, but for one reason or another, did not. I like to be proactive (read that anal) and keep things in tip-top condition so I never have to apologize to myself or anyone else if my vehicles fail in some way. When the weather was nice and I should have done those sorts of things, I instead did something fun like going on a Harley ride. This is the time of year when I look at my vehicles and see forlorn machinery. Things that don't work, don't work well or correctly, noises that shouldn't be there, and updates or upgrades that should have been performed (lest they keep eating away at me). This is the time of year when it's rainy and cold all the time, and all I want to do when I come home from work is kick my shoes off and turn up the heat. I look at my cold, wet, and neglected vehicles and sigh.

It's my own fault. I've always been one to buy vehicles that were in need of something because the price was right. You know--When you fix some item on it yourself and save a ton of money, blah, blah. Over the years I've felt less and less like doing that. It's to the point now when time means everything, and yet, I still don't make good use of it. It's frustrating. Instead of making regular payments on a new car I can't really afford like most Americans, I choose the practical route and buy something that is affordable with cash.

I guess it's thoughts like that that lead to people creating resolutions every year. I don't create New Year's resolutions and never have. I guess I don't see the point in setting a stupid goal to do something you should have already done but never will do.

It just creates even more frustration.

Monday, January 05, 2009

The Monday Morning Report


Here it is: The first Monday of 2009. Now we have to learn to write an '09 at the end of everything we date.

This has been a tumultuous weekend. Actually, that's not quite accurate. The weekend was fine, but the intro to the weekend was somewhat mind-blowing. New Year's Eve day was possibly one of the worst days I've ever had on an emotional level, and I'm glad things took a major turn for the better on the following day. The weekend itself was very good.

I have to give the media a major eye roll and thumbs down this morning. I was on Google News first thing, and right at the top of the list was a headline from Reuters:

Travolta heartbroken over son's death

Now don't you think it's pretty much a given that someone is going to be heartbroken over the death of one of their children? There is quite possibly one of the worst things about being a celebrity. There is no respect, no etiquette, and no reverence for the fact that someone lost a dear member of their family. They only care about being the first one to get a sound bite or statement that will make them look good. I can just visualize a huge mass of microphones being thrust into their faces with stupid questions being shouted loudly to make themselves heard. My heart goes out to Mr. Travolta and his wife that they should have such a tragedy and then have to put up with such a media circus instantly afterward.

I was at Suzie's house last night enjoying a most awesome soup she made, and outside the snow was falling once again. This is so unlike what we usually get around here! By the time I left for home, there was a little over an inch on the ground and still falling heavily. It was an enjoyable drive home. I like watching snow fall while I'm driving, and the fact that it was new and wet snow made it decent enough to drive in. I wasn't worried about it staying this time because the temp last night while it was snowing was barely freezing as it was. This morning I awoke to the sound of water coming down the downspouts so it's already melting considerably.

According to the school website, today is the first day back to school for Sarah. I hope she had a good time off. Kids love to go back to school after their Christmas break. After all, it's a very social life going to high school, or any school for that matter. They will all be comparing all the new clothing or cool toys that they received for Christmas too. I'm glad the roads are clear this morning for her to drive on. Her school is the only one of the four high schools here in Auburn that was built on a small hill, and so has bad driveways going in from either side when it's icy.

It will be a full 5 days of work this week, and I'm not looking forward to that. It would be okay if I were real busy, but the last couple days of work were not. The bad part is that even after I endure a full week of work, Friday's paycheck (for last week) will only have a 4 days worth of pay on it due to only Thursday being a paid holiday. Oh well.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Update


It appears that we have saved ourselves from drowning for the time being, and we both hope that it's for good.

There is a lot invested in our relationship and neither of us are taking it lightly. We recognize a few changes that we need to make to keep going, and are going to make those changes. I'm going to go up to her house shortly and we'll get this ironed out.

What an emotional roller-coaster...

The New Year's Day Zombie


All day yesterday I spent at home, stumbling around in a daze. I didn't get dressed or go out. No matter what I did, my thoughts kept returning to what I had let slip through my fingers. Everywhere I looked: Signs of Suzie.

Going down the stairs I glanced at over at Mona and she stared blankly at nothing--Wearing a wig that Suz bought for her. On the dining room table is my portable DVD player, bought for our vacation trip to Utah, snugly parked inside a beautiful case of cloth that she made for it. Behind the table, hanging on the back of a chair is the leather motorcycle jacket I bought for her that she refused to take with her. I went out to the garage and there stood her bicycle--Ridden only a few times since it was bought. The new Harley seat I bought for her riding comfort stared at me from the garage floor, my having temporarily removed a couple weeks ago so I could charge the battery...

Even the Bejeweled game that I was so hopelessly smitten by for the last several weeks was failing me. When I was playing it to try distract myself I only succeeded in reminding myself of her all the more because we were always trying to outplay each other.

I wanted to watch a movie but nothing sounded good. I found myself listening to Radio Paradise.com and it helped until I was reminded of how much she loves it and can always name the song that's playing. Every time I walked through the living room my gaze went to the crumpled tissue box on the coffee table. Even in the bathroom--There hangs her bath towel and there stands her toothbrush in the holder next to mine.

This has never happened to me before in this magnitude. Even after being married for 19 years I didn't feel this way when it ended. It had tapered off so slowly over time that it was just like moving and nothing more when it finally ended.

We spent some time last night chatting back and forth online in Gmail, and I found it to be very cathartic. I think it helped both of us a great deal.

I'm sure I'll be okay--After all, time heals wounds. They may always be visible, but they do eventually heal.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

A Fond Farewell to Good Times


It has been a great year. It has been a year filled with love and fun experiences. A year of Harley trips, picture-taking, hot-tubbing--So many things have been shared between us during the year that Suzie and I have been together.

It all came to a teary end last night when Suzie and I parted ways.

She gave up a lot when we started seeing each other. It is a requirement of the Jehovah's Witnesses to be shunned by members when they court someone that is not of The Truth. Even their friends and relatives are not supposed to interact. For obvious reasons, one can't cut off contact with their own children--Especially when they live in the same house. While she was, of course, still in full contact with all her offspring, there was some tension here and there. While she knew the rules and was aware of the consequences of her actions, she was smacked upside the head by love and plodded forth.

I know it was mutual, but I can't help but feel guilty for allowing "us" to happen. Like any romance nothing is certain. It takes time, exploration, and learning to know if two people really love each other and can share their lives together. Why the guilty feelings? Because she can't just "go back" to the way things were. She has to go through some totally stupid (my opinion, but it's a strong one nevertheless) process of being reinstated or whatever they call it. She has been unable to associate with any of her friends from within all year, and now will have to wait possibly that long again until such time as she is once again a Witness. The politics of religion are denying her the ability to seek the comfort she needs at a time when she needs it most. It makes me mad.

Our parting was on good terms. While we still love each other very much and want to remain friends, we both reluctantly agreed that we would probably not be able to live with each other. Is it really wise to try to make it work when it doesn't just "flow"? When you are 50+ years old, you have your way of doing things. We were each surprised at how easily we found ourselves offended when our methods or choices where challenged. Each of us had things about the other that we knew from the beginning that we tried to adapt to. For example, I knew of her being a Witness and knew of the potential difficulties of us being together but I went forth because it was hers. She wasn't comfortable with nudism or Harley riding but tasted them because they were mine. Some things we both excelled at mutually like photography. I'm really, really going to miss that one. Maybe we can still do that on occasion. After all, I'm still keeping our Smugmug pictures site up and running.

Why it happened to come to a head on the last day of the year was strangely coincidental. It's as if our time was up: "Deal, or No Deal?" Like any breakup it was painful. After all, we have had a lot of really great times together. While Suzie's tears flowed freely last night, she was confused because mine did not. I was like a deer in headlights. Sad, frustrated, helpless, and confused, I didn't know why I was seemingly blank. I told her it must be a male thing--I couldn't really explain it any other way.

Apparently my system has a delayed response. My tears didn't flow until I was writing this...