Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Downside of Being a Parent


Confrontations: I hate them.

They can sometimes bother me so much that I get physically ill. I grew up having to endure being screamed at and beat with a leather belt whenever my dad determined that I had done something to deserve it (that was his twisted perspective on it at the time apparently). Those times have shaped me to be the way I am--To avoid potential gut-wrenching confrontations whenever possible.

It had been building for some time now. The new found freedoms associated with having a driver's license, a car, a boyfriend--All together are a lot to deal with. Add to that: Typical teen angst and a mother that has the overwhelming job of being a single head of household, and you have the recipe for problems.

Last night I had just rolled the Harley into the garage after working a couple hours of overtime when Teresa called me.
"She did it again," she said exasperated, "She had him over here again."
I listened while she went on and on about Sarah's apparent telling her one thing and doing another. I could tell by the way she was talking quickly and nonstop that she was frazzled and needed help. She explained that she had told Sarah not to bring her boyfriend home after school, and yet it had happened again.
"Okay, whoa... Slow down. Where is she now?" I asked her.
She explained that she had went to Katie's house, which is a childhood friend of hers.
I sighed, put my leathers back on and got on the bike. I rode over to Katie's and Sarah came out of the house.
"Go home," I said, "and put your car in the garage. You're losing it."
"Mom knows I'm here," she explained.
"It's not about you being here. Go home."

I rode the bike back and waited for her to show up with my stomach knotted up. Teresa was washing dishes and talking about everything all at once. I told her to just let me do the talking. When Sarah showed up I sat her down and started in on my talking points. Things like telling her mom one thing and doing another, not telling her mom at all, bringing her boyfriend home after school and feeding him every day, neglecting homework... I was fully prepared to take her car away from her until such time as it appeared that she was doing things to her mom and my satisfaction. However, it turns out that Teresa wasn't entirely forthcoming with me (she has a tendency to embellish and I'm aware of it). She hadn't told Sarah to not bring her boyfriend home any more until just yesterday. All the times Teresa had called me and talked about these things in the past she had alluded that she had.
Obviously during all this, Sarah is distraught and crying like crazy which doesn't help me any.

After we had all talked back and forth and I assimilated all the information, I back-pedaled a little bit. I decided that she would not lose her car, but would not be able to drive her boyfriend in it any more. It's illegal for a 16-year-old driver to have anyone other than a family member in their car for 6 months anyway, but her mom thought she'd be nice and let Sarah take her boyfriend to and from school, which is not too far. I didn't know that the consequences for violating such a thing were as steep as they are. Apparently you get a warning the first time, and lose your license for 6 months for a second violation.

The boyfriend was the whole problem in this particular scenario, and being Sarah's first love, she wanted to do everything she could do to please him. He seems like a nice kid, but he's using her. Using her for transportation, food, and who knows what else. To top it off, his parents don't even know he has a girlfriend! The story I got was that they won't allow him to have a girlfriend. My theory is, because he's Cambodian he doesn't want them to know he's dating a Caucasian. He has no car and no license, nor does he seem to care about getting one. And why would he? He has Sarah's person shuttle service. Correction: HAD.

At any rate, I was very methodical and explained myself in a civilized manner. I covered all the points, explained myself well, told her how much I loved her, etc. Her mom also was very good during this whole thing.

While Sarah was buried face down on the couch and crying, I got up and told Teresa I was going to go to the store and would be back in a few. When I did come back, she came out and said that Sarah had went on a door-slamming, stuff throwing rampage for a bit after I left. I went in and Sarah was just trying to get online to do homework. It wasn't working, and I told her to come over and she could do her homework at my house.

I sat in my living room and stared at the walls... Thinking about all that had transpired that day. At 9 o'clock when they both showed up. She seemed much better. She got her homework done, and we talked a bit about different things while she was working. When they left at about 10:15 I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her.

When I finally went to bed, it occurred to me that I hadn't eaten a thing since noon. Sigh.

1 comment:

Rhon said...

Being a parent is not the easiest job in the world. Sounds to me like under the circumstances you did the best you could. Its hard when you have different versions of the same scenario. Remember the rewards of being a parent come in two distinct phases. That wondrous joy of childhood and the flood of love and comradeship you get when they become adults. The space in between tries our souls and makes us appreciate the other two phases so much. It really is tough to parent a child of the opposite sex at this age...hang in there.
Rhon