The Story of a Lost Ham

Okay, some of you may be grossed out.

Let's rewind a few months--Back to another time. Back to a time that was December 21st, 2007. Some of you may recall that it was the last day of work before Christmas vacation. It was the day that me and my coworkers spent speculating as to what amazing thing that the Brothers LaCroix would bestow on their minions for sticking with them and doing their job. The thing they called the Christmas "bonus".

We got a ham, and it was a real big one. It was a Kirkland brand, from the shelves of Costco. It was a big, spiral-cut, bone-in ham. Because the various family functions of the holidays had feasts and meals going on, I opted to cook mine up at a later date. I figured to wait a while--At least long enough for me to "forget" what a ham feast tastes like. I thought maybe for Easter or something. I wasn't sure at that point.

So there it sat--In my refrigerator--Staring at me from the bottom shelf every time I opened the door. I know what you're thinking: "Whoa! You didn't freeze it?" No, I didn't. I don't like ham that has been frozen. Ham has a high moisture content and when it's frozen it destroys the firmness of the meat. At least that's my reasoning. So, like I said... There it sat. Through winter and into spring. Through spring and into summer.

Suddenly it's August.

I had been assured by my coworker Elaine (a very "meat-knowledgeable" lady) at one point that it was still good. I think that it was back in April or May she said that. She assured me that cured hams are able to last a long time. I still never got around to cooking it. Now it's months later and I still hadn't even unwrapped it.

See, at this point it has been covered. In addition to the vac-pack wrapper that it's packed in, it was also wrapped in a shiny, red foil-looking material, and that in turn was covered by the plastic netting that all large hams seem to have. Because of these things I was never able to actually look at the meat. For whatever reason, I had decided this last weekend that enough was enough. I had to know. I purposely chose the weekend because Monday was my garbage day. That way I had an "out" if it suddenly came alive and sprang for my throat when I opened it.

Saturday I took the ham out of the fridge. It was the first time it had moved since sometime during the Christmas vacation when I had removed it to weigh it (I wanted to see just how much "bonus" they had given us) before putting it back. It was a weird feeling picking that ham up, knowing that it hadn't been touched for (gasp!) over seven months. I had actually touched it from time to time just to make sure it still felt as it should (you know, the "bloat"), but had never moved it. I put it on the counter and cut the net off it. I was sort of afraid to take the shiny, red wrapper off it. Although it was still nice and firm to the touch, I was afraid to see what it actually looked like (I don't like incorrect colors on meat). I cut the wrapper off.

It was perfect! It looked like a new ham--I was amazed.

Yes, I cooked it. I put in in the oven and baked it for 2 hours (like I said, it was a big ham) to bring it up to the right internal temperature per the instructions on the label. Suzie came over and we feasted on an antique pig. I'll tell you--That was some kinda great-tasting ham. After I took it out of the oven and cut it off the bone I was surprised at how much meat I had in front of me. I had to scrounge the biggest container I had just to hold it all. The bone and some of the meat went into the freezer for winter soup. Now the ham is back home in the same place in the fridge that it occupied for months.

Let that be a lesson to you. Cured hams last a long time.

So where's the gross-out in the story? Some of you will undoubtedly think that I should have my head examined for eating something that old. Others may think it's no big deal.

I just figured I know how to make my Christmas bonus last.