Gloom

I don't know what puts me in such a funk sometimes, but I certainly was earlier today at work. I wasn't able to post to my blog obviously, but I did write down some of what was going through my head:

"What is it about New Year? People always seem to reflect on things. I'm standing here at work next to a loud press, and I'm hating my life. I'm not sick, but I feel like shit. I feel old... I feel tired. I'm sure it could be residual hangover from my weekend of partying, but I didn't feel this way yesterday, so I doubt it.

Sometimes I ask myself if I should quit drinking, but it's one of the few pleasures I have. But is it really a pleasure? What if I'm exactly like my dad, only I'm masking it with alcohol and he isn't? No, I don't think so. I may have my days of despair, but my head is still clear enough to be analytical. I still have my marbles.

I wonder still, as I have for many years, why I'm here and what I'm doing. I've said before how I thought that people who go to church do so to justify their existence. I also said I didn't need to justify my existence--That I was happy just "being." What if that's not true? I know church will never be in my life because I don't believe in it, but maybe what I'm missing is some sort of spirituality? I doubt if I'll ever know.

I don't know what it is about me. It's kind of like I'm a part-time hermit. Sometimes I want to completely isolate myself from humanity and not talk to anyone. Because that's how I feel this morning, I have been doing my damnedest to avoid everyone just to avoid talking. Other times I crave human interaction, and ironically, those those are the times that I seem to have the most trouble finding anyone to interact with.

Sometimes it's a cruel world."

Fortunately, as the day wore on I felt better. It's a helluva way to start the new year, isn't it? Tomorrow's another day...