Small Chuckles in a Small Town Paper

You have to admire a small town newspaper. (Okay, it's not really a small town, but the paper is small.) The Auburn Reporter paper comes out a few times a week and is available for free at various places around the area. Although they do have a website, it only contains a few of the top news bits. The real news is in the written version!

One section that's in the paper each time is called Police Blotter. Apparently, the person writing the Police Blotter is an aspiring comedy writer. Or maybe he or she just assumes nobody reads the stuff anyway, so why not dress it up a bit? I picked up the latest issue yesterday when I was at the library and here's a sampling of what I found:

Police blotter

April 12

Theft from vehicle: Overnight, 400 block of 8th Street Southwest. Suspects unknown forced their way into a car and stole unspecified motorcycle racing equipment of equally unspecified value.

Vandalism: 9:13 a.m., 1400 block of 8th Street Northeast. Unknown persons vandalized a person of unspecified gender's vehicle of unspecified make in a way police would just rather keep to themselves.

Assault: 3:25 p.m., 3030 R St. S.E. Police arrested a person described only as male for assaulting in some way a juvenile coincidentally also described only as male.


April 11

Vandalism: 1 p.m., 800 block of R Street Northeast. A male - youth, adult, who knows? - reported that somebody poured a sugar and water mixture into his gas tank about a week ago, doing his car mischief.

Traffic offense: 9:54 p.m., 1406 Lake Tapps Parkway S.E. Police arrested a man for reckless driving after he was observed doing donuts at a high rate of speed in the moderately-packed parking lot of Top Foods. The guy told police he was "just testing out his new modified exhaust system." He was additionally cited for his newly modified exhaust system.


April 8

Shoplifting: 1:45 a.m., 101 Auburn Way S. Police arrested a person for stealing a razor from Safeway after a store security saw him so doing.

Shoplifting: 2:58 p.m., 801 Auburn Way N. Police arrested a juvenile female at Fred Meyer for shoplifting clothing of some undefined type worth an amount we can only guess at.

Doncha just love small town comedy? Even if it's not comedy, you have to appreciate them trying to make it somewhat comedic. I may have to keep a sharp eye out for this sorta stuff.